Paula Poundstone
Interviewed by Carol Wood

I was working on my list of speakers for my writers conference on September 8th and 9th and so I got brave and started contacting icons. The conference is called Laugh All the Way to a Best Seller, so of course I thought of Paula Poundstone!

Paula Poundstone is one of my favorite stand-up comics and she's just written a book called "Paula Poundstone," so I got brave and emailed her via her website through her cat, Hep.

She couldn't come to the conference, Hep told me, but Paula agreed to the interview below and she's sending her book to be included in our conference prizes! Check out the conference details at www.CalWritersSFV.com Hope to meet you there on September 8th or 9th!

And before I let you read this, I have to tell you that this would have been longer with a lot more questions answered about her very interesting life and writing path, but halfway through this interview, my landlord came to fix the mailbox. And he rang the doorbell, once, twice, then three times, then he tried knocking on the door. Then he rang the hand bell "Clank" that is by my door. Then he started screaming and doing all of the above repeatedly and in a frenzy!

Okay, have you got that in your head? Me, trying to be respectful of the eceedingly funny writer who is on the line with me and in the next room just outside my front door, my landlord is going apeshi...p. And of course all of this is punctuated by my dog Lionel barking loudly! I'm surprised I could chat as much as I did. But I'm sure Paula thought something like, "I don't even think she's listening to me."
Well, it's true. I could barely hear what she was saying by the end of my maniac landlords antics.
Meanwhile Paula's wondering why I'm not quite paying attention. I felt like I was at a party and walked into a closet. You know? You don't want to look dumb and tell everyone what you did. I couldn't just say, "Hold on a second Paula." I mean, this is a celebrity comic! She had her own show for crhis sakes! So instead, I looked dumb.

Okay, that didn't work, did it. Well, I do hope you enjoy this interview dispite my inablity to stop ranting landlords and barking dogs. The mailbox is on the outside of the house, by the way. He fixed it in about two minutes after I answered the door.

I called Paula Poundstone, well, actually, she called me and I heard her scratchy voice as she said,
“Oh, who am I supposed to be talking to?”
And I said “Uh, Carol Wood?”
And she said “Yeah, that’s it!” in her patented Paula voice.
And I said, “Paula?”
And I was thinking Ohmygawwd, Ohmygawd, OHMYGAWD!  Paula Poundstone is calling me!
And I shouted into the phone real fast, “I’m not ready!  You’re early! Are you early?”
And no, she wasn’t.
I was once again clock-challenged.
So I asked if I could call her back.  I can’t believe I did that, but I did.
But I had too.  The phone she called on doesn’t have a speaker, and I had to record it, so I called her back and asked,
“Were you asleep?” because people always say that to her. 

And then I asked her questions about her book.  It’s called “Paula Poundstone.”
Catchy and memorable!  Her book is like a wonderful history lesson.  And this is saying a lot because I hated history all through grade school and high school.  But each chapter in Paula's book takes an icon like oh, Joan of Arc or Helen Keller or Abe Lincoln and talks about how she is similar to each.  And she is!

Did you know that Joan of Arc was really Jeanne of Arc? I didn't. And it's amazing how much Paula has in common with Jeanne, er Joan, er Jeanne?

The subtitle is “There’s Nothing in This Book That I Meant to Say.”  And I think she means that.  She doesn’t like to give out advice except to her kids.  I asked her about giving advice to interview writers since she won the Cable Ace Award and she said, “That was a fluke.”  She really doesn’t like to hand out advice.
Damn.
Darn.

She has three great kids.  She will tell anyone, and she does.  She adopted three great kids.  This means she is a mother by choice.  She just skipped the dad part.  And yeah she’s made mistakes.  And because she’s a celebrity, they’ve been viewed and scrutinized by the public.  The difference between Paula and any other mom is our public is smaller so not everyone gets to enjoy our mistakes.  But every mom makes them.  Well, actually Paula is both Mom and Dad to her kids like a lot of single mothers are which means she only has time to clean and sleep.  And lucky for Paula she is uniquely suited for this job because these are two of her most favorite things to do besides watching old TV Shows like Lost in Space  “Everything I’ve taught my kids can be seen on Lost in Space” or The Brady Bunch.
“As I get older I’m finding I’m more and more like Alice," she told me.  While I was talking with her I had the Brady Bunch theme stuck in my head. 

There was a lady
Named Paula Poundstone
And I knew that it was much more than a hunch
That she drove her bike just like Alice
And that’s way she resembles the Brady Bunch!
The Brady Bunch!

Three kids, a dog-shark (that was teething?), a bearded lizard, a bunny and 11 cats?  ELEVEN?  She’s more than the Brady Bunch, she’s the Brady HOARD!
She is adored.
They’re never bored
And that’s how she became the Poundstone Hoard!

Kind of has a ring to it, doesn’t it?

In her book to further prove she is unusual, she talks about how she had a dream one time that she was necking with Larry from the Three Stooges.

I left some white space there because I’m sure you are all saying “Larry? Larry Fine?
You mean the guy that has curly hair on either side of his head?  The other Stooge?”
Okay, this is a woman who can find the true worth in any person.
Okay, he was wearing a pin-striped suit and you know how that can affect a gal.

So I asked her, “If we could get a guy dressed in a pin-striped suit that looks like Larry from the three stooges to come to your door selling vacuums…”

“Basically, that… well, he wouldn’t have to look like Larry.  He could just sell vacuums and that would be it for me,” Paula told me. 

Or he could look like Harry Bellefonte.  I was surprised to learn that Mr. Bellefonte had kissed Paula and “I always had this thing for Harry.” Paula said and then I could hear her staring off into heaven-like kisses.  Maybe she just likes guys who have names with “arry” in them.  But Harry’s kiss wasn’t at all like Larry minus Moe and Curly.  “Oh it was just a peck on the cheek!” from Harry, but she still remembers it!   I’m now wondering if she has a thing for Barry Manilow too or Gary Cooper or Cary Grant?  Isn’t it curious that the word “marry” has “arry” in it?

Vacuuming is as close to heaven as Paula gets currently.  She said the reason why her kids attended the school they attended was “Because it’s across the street from the vacuum store.   With real sucking action!  Isn’t that a great expression?”
Then we both said it together.  “Real Sucking Action!” 
Okay, it’s a mom thing. 

And I love how she settles arguments.  She says in her book that “If I cut off Alley’s head with a chain saw…”

Yes it does say that in her book.  The only time she approaches a true instinct to what I think is a perfectly normal mother’s reaction to a teenager living in your hoard.  I had three and I thought a lot about chainsaws.

But Paula knows that Tosia (pronounced Toe-see-ah) would say, “Alley always gets to have her head cut off but I never do.”

That really made me laugh loud.  Can’t you just hear the whine?  That is so what kids say!  Paula’s response to all arguments like that is always, “Because I love her more!” or “Because I love him better!”
And you know that would stop the arguement because they would be stunned. I think that really says that she knows what it’s like raising kids. 

Paula says nothing bad about her children though.  She adores them and doesn’t hesitate to brag even when she is attempting to make a critical comment.  “I’m probably going to have trouble with my middle child.  Only because she is such a rock normally.  And if she steps out of her norm that will be… hard.”
What a good mom.  Had a chance to diss her teenager and still made a good comment. 

I asked her questions that I had after reading her book.  Like “What do you know about the making of the wizard of OZ?”  Because she said she knew something about it in the book.  I heard her suck in air and then she went on to say how great it was for the people that played the munchkins in the W OF O because all these people were all over the country and had never met.  “It’s just like my fans.  They are spread out all over and well, when I go to a red state, everyone thinks I won’t have an audience and then all these people come and well, they’re just so happy to meet people that think like them!  It’s exactly like the munchkins in the Wizard of OZ!  They are just so glad to meet!”

I asked her what she thought her aversion to all things mechanical (no email, no dishwasher, etc.) was based on and if she wore plastic gloves when she cleaned?  She was adamant about no gloves.  “I really take pride in the fact that I have working hands.”
Much the same way in which she writes.  “I like to feel the pen pull across the page.”
She does not like rollerball pens for that reason.  And it’s obvious that she is one of those writers that enjoys the contact of the ink on page.  And this is where you can definitely see the difference between Paula and me.   I know, I know, you thought, well, the fact that Paula could make a good basketball player if she could actually beat her kids at a game and the fact that she has talks with HBO officials about comedy shows, oh that might make her look slightly different from me, but no!  I am very much a rollerball writer.  And she likes the pull of a ballpoint.  Her favorite pens are from hotels and her most favorite pens are Hyatt Hotel pens. 

Let’s all go to the Hyatt, shall we?  I really do want to test and make a comparison now that Paula Poundstone said Hyatt’s are the best.  Sounds like a tax deduction in the making.  “Excuse me mister auditor, but I had to go to the Hyatt in Aruba.”
“And why was that?”
“Research for my follow up article about Paula Poundstone’s Preferences!”

Paula is also very adamant that she is asexual.  And that perhaps makes adoption keenly wonderful for her.  But it’s sort of a snowball effect.  The three kids and assorted pets and career make her – you guessed it – tired.  So she is best happy hitting her pillow alone.  Even if her dream date, Look-a-like Larry dressed in a pin-striped suit came to her door offering vacuums and poptarts, her favorite midnight snack, she would say, “No thanks.  I’d much rather sleep.”
It’s a mother thing.

Lionel the dog with 100% more raisins than the Government requires!

I did notice that a lot of her writing dealt with food items, so I asked her, “Do you always write when you are hungry?”
She deftly avoided that question by mentioning that “Well, gees. 
If I only wrote about food that would not make me much of a writer.  Would it?”

Uh, apparently, yes, it does.  I particularly like the part about the raisins.  It says in her book that she read on the side of a box once that it contained “40% more raisins than the Government requires.”  We talked about what would make the Government require raisins? 
“Yeah, and who is this clerk that decides how many is enough?” Paula asked in her delicious scratchy Paula voice. 

I do love her voice.  I also followed her recommendation from her book and taped a raisin to the cover of her book, so now it has 100% more raisins than the Government requires.  Then I went raisin happy and started taping raisins all over the house.  My dog looked at me oddly for a second when I taped one on his leg.  Then he ate it. The tape and the raisin, not the leg.   But he still has 100% more raisins than the government requires.  What a terrific Poundstone!

I wanted to know what color Paula's hair was since she kept talking about how HBO asked her to “color” it for her special.  And it turns out, it’s gray.  She told me, “I mean I love those women I see at airports who have all gray hair.  They look beautiful, but not me. It used to be brown, but now I dye it and I don’t do it all the time, just every six months.  And right before I do it, it has a streak down the center.  I hope it becomes a trend.”
I do too!  What another terrific Poundstone!
I mean really, all of us could just let our hair go for six months at a time instead of being forced by HBO to “Color it!” 
Okay, some of us will just be forced by our best friends because apparently we are not as funny or as tall as Paula. 
Okay, tall has nothing to do with getting on HBO, but it is the other reason why I am jealous of Paula Poundstone.

Her story about racing away from a scary turtle (a turtle? Racing? Yeah!) and her kangaroos at the zoo story reminded me of a story my sisters told me about two turtles at the zoo.  And how my sisters had to uh, “explain” to their kids what the turtles were “doing” for a very looooong time and very LOUDLY!

“You’re kidding?  Turtles make noise?” Paula was dumbfounded. 
”Yeah and they aren’t just slow at chasing you!”  I said. I think my sister's son shouted "THEY'RE MATING AREN'T THEY!"
I was thrilled I had a story that made her jaw drop.  I heard it drop.  I did!

So I said I wanted to test her theory about how someone tells her a story that it always reminds her of another story.  So I told her about the time when I was a young mom and “I went to the bathroom and as I sat down, my daughter who was about five trouped all the neighborhood kids through to introduce them to me.  ‘Jimmy, this is my mom. Tammy…’.”
And it did remind her of a story.

She told me, “When I was young, I was mad at my sisters for doing something and not including me and so I went outside and stamped my foot down.  But apparently I stamped on a nest of bees and they flew up my pant leg.  And I was crying and my mother was in the bathtub and my sisters brought me in the bathroom and the bees started flying around…”
“Oh my God!  In the bathroom?  The bees were in the bathroom?” I said.
“Well, yes because they were up my pant leg and no one knew it was bees.  No one could see. And my mother was naked in the tub saying ‘Don’t bring her in here!’  And the bees were flying around.”
Here’s where we both started laughing.

So basically, Paula is just like her book --  VERY FUNNY!
And I heartily recommend you read her book.  It’s an easy title to look for, “Paula Poundstone” and if you want an easy Paula fix, you can go on iTunes and purchase her TV Show special “Look What the Cat Dragged in,” for only $1.99!  Her book is there too and on Amazon.  And do go to her website www.paulapoundstone.com and find out where her next speaking engagement will be because you will laugh.   Hard!

Oh and one more thing.  The ant died.  Normally Paula says she has three kids, 11 cats, a dog-shark, a bunny, a bearded lizard and an ant.  But she sadly informed me that the ant had passed on.
“Probably from overwork," she told me. "He was the only one left in the farm and there was a lot to do.” 
I’m not sure when the funeral arrangements are, but you can send condolences regarding Paula's ant via her cat, Hep on her website  www.paulapoundstone.com.

That's a celebrity bee pictured above, now that he's been in Paula's mom's bathroom. You can spot him by his sunglasses.

Carol Wood pictured left, is a writer, photographer and editor who resides in Winnetka, CA with her dog Lionel otherwise known as the "DOORBELL! GET THE DOORBELL!" dog and her cats Sparky, Baby and Chippy and her husband Glenn who she simply adores. You can contact her via email at Carol@HazelSt.com

Try not to mistake her for Paula Poundstone even though the similarities are endless.