| My Mental Labyrinth by Carol Wood Foot In Mouth Awards |
There have been times in my life when my sarcasm has overcome my urge to keep silent. There have been times when I said things or things have been said to me that I wish could be taken back. Unfortunately, there are no backies...
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| Bruce Cameron Application for a Loan from Dad |
The following loan application was received in August from my college-aged daughter, who is applying for a loan from Dad.
Please indicate the amount of the loan:
(a) Last time you loaned me 0, so if you loan me more this time, I won't have to ask again for awhile. Like, 0 would be best.
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| Maureen Musumeci Fat Mama and the Apple Pie Man |
Just as the forkful of apple pie was about to touch his lips, my husband had an epiphany! He was married to a fat woman! Not the kind of robust beauty Reubens painted so well but the modern “when did my size 5 turn into a 14?” variety. It’s okay to have an epiphany, an awe inspiring moment when suddenly everything becomes clear! Just don’t say it out loud and never, ever to your wife!
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| Lee Lofland Get The Lead Out |
I was a cop for many years and, during that time, I witnessed a ton of dumb acts committed by criminals. I’ve also been privy to a number of really stupid things done by my fellow officers. One of my favorite tales occurred during the days when I did quite a bit of undercover work. The story involves two plainclothes detectives—my partner and me—a murder suspect, a handgun, and a pair of blue jeans. The event unfolded something like this…
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| Sunny Daze by Faith Foyil Deer Diary |
I see dead deer.
Actually I see more live deer than dead deer.
Just the other day a cute little Bambi stared at us from up ahead on Eagle Road as my son and I drove home from his late afternoon soccer practice. As I slowed, Bambi froze...
. . . |
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| Harriet Ford Astounded Later |
I never expected it to happen. Never in a million years. But I have finally joined the ranks of "those people" who see things. Dare I say it? Unidentified flying things.
I can't say that it was actually flying. Floating maybe... . . . |
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| Exclamations (not Explanations) by Glenn Wood A View of God |
It is written that when God created the Universe, His first declaration was, “Let there be Light”. This was written three-thousand years ago by some creative genius of the day. Perhaps he just made it up. Perhaps he was divinely inspired. Perhaps it is true.
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| Cara Alson Face to Face With a Burglar |
In the middle of a sunny day in March a stranger came to our door. When I opened it I began a short journey that would change my world...
. . . |
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| Where There's Passion... by JM Lin What I Do Love |
"When will your sequel be out?" a woman asked me at a book club gathering the other day. "I'm waiting for the sequel."
Each time someone asks me that, I'm thrilled... . . . |
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| Erica Stux A Fruitful Project |
Shortly after we moved into our townhouse, my husband said “We need something else to grow on our patio. How about a fruit tree?”
“Sure, why not?” I replied... . . . |
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| You are Pulling My Leg by Linda Sharp You are Pulling My Leg |
OK, ok, ok. I'll write about it.
After receiving almost 100 emails the past week and a half regarding this story, it has become painfully obvious that I have been seriously remiss in not commenting on one of the more truly absurd legal tug o' wars currently taking place...
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| Rebeccollections by Rebecca Hecking Well Meaning Relatives Shopper |
The holiday season is upon us. Time to dust off the credit cards and hit the stores in search of perfect gifts for Aunt Ethel, Great Uncle Fred and assorted random children. The tough part comes in knowing how to choose just the right gift. In the spirit of holiday cheer and as a public service, I offer the following guide.
Note to my children: pay special attention to my first recommendation... . . . |
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| Renee Albe Hamburgers on Ice |
Two weeks ago a friend of mine asked if I wouldn't
want to go to Hamburg for a few days. I thought, 'Hamburg?
What's in
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| How NOT to Get Published by Tom Mach How Not to Get Published- Lesson 10 |
Lesson 10
It always amazes me to see how authors try to force you into visualizing a setting in their novel. I mean, what if I don't want to be with that female character at a Caribbean resort sitting under a beach umbrella while she sips on a Margarita and watch the surf?
. . . |
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| Laura Slattery A Home for Hound |
In the bitter cold of the early morning Hound
lay stretched out on the damp concrete waiting.
The screen door opened and Hound
lifted his
. . . |
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| Diana Richomme Confessions |
of a Clearance Lady
There's a towel warmer, brand-new in its original box on the top shelf of my closet. The red price tag
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| Forget About It! by JoAnne Henderson Senior Checking |
The other day I went into a local bank to open an account. We were discussing services and fees when the bank officer pointed
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| Mary Lane (Melody) Cryns When Did It Happen? |
by Mary Lane Cryns (Melody)
I'm not sure exactly when it happened, those subtle changes. Perhaps
I was too preoccupied to even notice. It hit
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| Amy Miller Greetings from Souvenir City |
Lately I've gotten sucked into the decorating-show vortex.
Maybe you've watched some yourself: Clean House and Sell This
House! and the ubiquitous Queer Eye. This is what strikes me
over and over when I watch those shows: Rooms look good with
nothing in them. Well, a few things -- six
. . . |
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| Kristen Twedt Stargazer |
Guidelines for Columns
When
I was a girl, I would often sit atop a picnic table in our
back yard at night, star gazing
. . . |
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| Barb Drotar If God Brings Us to it, He will bring us through it. |
There once was a certain man who died, and immediately upon arriving in heaven, began complaining to Saint Peter about how God had never helped him through his life on earth; that he'd always had to ?go it alone'. Saint Peter, his face transforming to sadness...
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| Don Monkerud Gay Marriage Fight Switches to 10 Commandments |
Houston - After a series of tense meetings, major Christian groups involved in a long fight to save heterosexual marriage from gays have decided to change tactics and begin a national campaign to tear down the Statue of Liberty and replace it with a 160-story replica of the 10 Commandments.
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| Deana Doyle That Darn Cat |
It was a flyer on a bulletin board that first caught my eye. I've always been a sucker for kittens. I carefully tore off one of the tiny slips of paper with the phone number, walked to my car and dialed the one person who I knew would talk me into it...
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| Dear Friends by Hazel Larkin Dear Friends |
Well, winter has arrived. On Thursday night/Friday morning, temperatures got down to ?2. Let's just say "Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr" shall we? Friday itself was the kind of day that reminds you why the Irish invented whiskey...
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| Christmas Card Annonymous by Tisha Sharp Christmas Card Annonymous |
It started out innocently, I swear. A simple picture of my first born with our best wishes. If I could have only stopped with that.
. . . |
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| Davenport Landing by Paul Albe Smooch! |
A column about kissing?
OK. Here goes....
Walk up to a nice looking girl. Say out loud in a firm-yet warm voice, "Can I kiss you?" Add a delicious smile to the mix.
Voila! *Smooch*
. . . |
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| John Martin Santa Goes Offshore And Beyond |
I have told my seven-year-old son Jack that Santa Claus has set up an enclave of elves in China to make his toys.
. . . |
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| Kate Taylor I Yam |
My husband, Warren, has been banned from grocery shopping since 1987. I sent him for a loaf of bread.
He returned home with
. . . |
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| Sherri Bailey Never Pee In A Mayonaise Jar |
Sophisticated People Almost
Sophisticated people almost never pee in mayonnaise jars.
It hit me today that in only a few days, my beautiful daughter
. . . |
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| Steve Snyder Election Ads We Want to See |
I realize that the election is nearly upon us and the ads will begin getting even more crazy. So here are a few
. . . |
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| Tara Montgomery Too Old? |
Too New? Too Borrowed? Too Blue?
I've heard it said that in Silicon Valley, 30 is too old. Age discrimination is just one of
. . . |
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| Dell Smith Klein I Hate Mom |
My girls, Kathi and Lynda, shared an always-messy room. Toys littered the floor, books cluttered unmade beds. Sure they were only six and eleven
. . . |
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| Scott Ciambor Election Day |
Election Day
Today I visited two voting sites; one in my neighborhood in Baltimore at Thomas Johnson elementary school where I cast my own
. . . |
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| Raji Lukkoor Life Principal #3 |
"Mama, Mama" screams 5-year old Joey. I pretend not to hear and continue reading.
"Mamaaaaaaaa" The scream reverberatesthrough the house.
. . . |
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| Bea Sheftel How I Met My Husband |
The
year was 1959. I had invited a college friend, Dave Armstrong, to
my parent's home. It was New Year's Eve. I asked him
. . . |
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| Terri Pray His Hat |
For a long time, it had sat on the end of the banister,
the tweed hat had never been allowed to gather dust. It
. . . |
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| Bev Sobkowich Toby and I |
Somehow,
it doesn't seem that it was very long ago when I was a gangly, auburn
haired kid. But in 1960, I was a
. . . |
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| Martha Clark Scala Fighting Smog |
It arrives without invitation. One minute I'm hatching
a plan to place my book into the hands of every past, present and
future mourner
. . . |
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| Taryn Hipwell Last Days as a Fashionista |
My
I arrived in Montana, September 28, 2003, to
do hair, makeup and wardrobe on a film that
hasn't been completely written yet. It doesn't
. . . |
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| Lanna Richards The Party Dress |
Christmas usually brings warm memories for most people.
Visions of children with toys, good food, families gathering together,
and rounds of festive parties. Which brings
. . . |
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| Renee Christensen Santa Blues |
By Renée Christensen
I’ve struggled with the concept of Santa and how to explain
him to my children ever since my daughter, Kara, was
. . . |
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| Livia Cavallero Senior High! |
HAPPY
VALENTINE ’S
DAY!!!
ON LOVING
so… “love.”
What can I say? It’s what I crave by default- being that I’m
a teenage girl.
. . . |
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| Heatherly Takeuchi I did the 60\'s in Diapers |
I did the 60s in Diapers
Have you ever heard the saying “If you’re not the lead
dog, the view doesn’t change”? Well, have you
. . . |
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| Joan Evans Planting Fruit Trees |
Amateur gardeners are used to going to a nursery
and choosing plant varieties by checking the label on the plant. The
labels may be missing
. . . |
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| Bliss Goldstein The Death of California Cool |
During
an outdoor marimba concert this past summer, overlooking a bluff on San
Juan Island in Washington State, it hit why I'd really left the
. . . |
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| Wendy Ledger When My Cat Was Young |
Lately I’ve been thinking about my cat and her age. I’m not
sure how old she actually is. Back in the early 90’s, right after
the Oakland fires, Pumpkin showed up at the doorstep and I took her in.
The vet estimated that she was two years old then. He
. . . |
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