 The Well Meaning Relatives Shopping Guide
by Rebecca Hecking
copyright 2007 Rebecca Hecking
The holiday season is upon us. Time to dust off the credit cards and hit the stores in search of perfect gifts for Aunt Ethel, Great Uncle Fred and assorted random children. The tough part comes in knowing how to choose just the right gift. In the spirit of holiday cheer and as a public service, I offer the following guide.
Note to my children: pay special attention to my first recommendation.
For your mom: The issue here is to offer a gift impressive enough to allow her to brag to her friends about her thoughtful and successful son/daughter, who is obviously the product of her superior parenting skills. The gift can be anything from a new car to an all-expense paid vacation. Just think big. She’s your mom!! Think of all those hours of painful labor! Long sleepless nights! Toddler tantrums! Teen angst!
Ahem…um, yeah. Something really nice. Just a hint.
For your dad: Same as mom, only manlier! And not quite so big. After all, he didn’t endure the hours of painful labor. Or lose his waistline. Or breastfeed. Or get stretch marks. How about a nice bottle of aftershave to add to his collection? On the other hand, he did coach little league and change diapers with the best of them. Season tickets to the NFL team of his choice perhaps?
For Great-Aunt Gladys who knows you could get a better job and/or spouse if you just tried a little harder: A re-gifted fruitcake.
For your lazy next-door neighbors who just adopted a puppy: A nice shiny pooper-scooper. Hint.
For first-time parents: A state-of-the art high definition digital camcorder, together with a wide-screen TV.
For third-time parents: A case of heavy-duty laundry detergent.
For a toddler: This is tricky, and depends upon your relationship with said child’s parents. If you are on very good terms, choose a washable sleepy-time nap pillow complete with a relaxing lavender sachet. On the other hand, if your relationship is a tad less rosy, I suggest a drum set. A very large drum set.
For your obnoxious in-law’s ten year old: Remote control fire truck. Complete with ear-piercing sirens. Batteries included.
For the budding 6 year old artist: A large set of paints and brushes.
For his/her parents: Plastic sheeting to cover the walls and furniture of their entire home.
For the know-it-all: Anything marked “some assembly required."
For a teenager: Think small, electronic and expensive. Alternatively, a gift certificate to Bubba’s tattoo and body piercing parlor.
For the cat: A nice new scratching post, customized with a photo of the dog. And catnip. Lots of catnip.
For the dog: A rawhide chew toy shaped like the cat.
For everyone else on your list: the exact gift doesn’t really matter as long as it’s a brightly colored very large utterly useless knickknack that will occupy a prominent place in their living room for as long as you know them.
 There. One last word of advice: spend!! I suggest maxing out at least three of your credit cards. That way, you’ll know you’ve done your part to keep the economy humming along. And that’s really what Christmas is all about, right?
No?
On the other hand, if you would rather step off the commercial treadmill, use this list to light your Yule log. Then put your credit card away and share hugs, love and maybe a cookie or two with your loved ones. You might find you already have all you need. Merry Christmas.
|
