 Atherton is a Special Place
Life in Silicon
Valley can be interesting. The recent cratering of our tech-based economy led
me to musing. It is known that the rate of crime tends to increase during times
of economic trouble. Reasons for this are fairly obvious.
So, as an idle
curiosity, last year I began checking into the daily Police Blotter
published in the San
Jose Mercury News.
I say "idle" because we have been fortunate not to be touched by crime in our
neighborhood recently (unless you count the Taco Bell wrappers that "people"
like to dump on our front yard).
But this curiosity
led me to a completely different discovery. Isn't it interesting how often
you find something completely different than what you were looking for, and
sometimes it's better? I learned something about a nearby suburb that I would
never have imagined.
Atherton is a special place. What makes it special, you ask? Well, for one thing, if you
have to ask, then you can't afford to live there. But there is another feature of
Atherton that I discovered in the Police Blotter.
Let's check the record:
Synopsis, Police Blotter, Sept (sometime), 2002
| Palo Alto |
Drunk in Public - 42-year-old woman
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Indecent Exposure - man exposes himself near swimming pool
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Residential Burglary - sterling flatware service stolen
|
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Mountain View
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Grand Theft - laptop stolen from business
|
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Residential
Burglary - DVD/VCR player stolen
|
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Stolen Vehicle - 1989 Ford Van
|
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Robbery - man with
handgun robs liquor store (he also took calling cards, which clues you into
his proximate IQ)
|
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Auto Burglary - multiple vehicles burglarized
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Los Altos
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Residential Burglary - pool room burglarized
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Redwood City
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Grand Theft - parking meter (!?)
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| Atherton |
Noise Complaint -
A resident of Orchard Hills Street who reported the sound of a large diesel
truck about 9:15 p.m. Monday was informed that the noise belonged to a fire
engine across the street that was responding to a call.
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"Well, can't they
turn the damned thing off!? And what's with all the lights!"
This was an amusing report by itself, even, I suppose, to the police dispatcher who had to figure
it out, and probably even to the officer(s) who had drive out to investigate to
verify its veracity. But is that enough to write a column about?
Nooo! There's more!
Synopsis, Police
Blotter, Sept 18, 2002
|
Palo Alto:
|
Vandalism -
smashed vehicle window
|
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Vandalism - Garage
door egged
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Mountain View:
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Armed Robbery -
Two men with a handgun robbed Ernie's Liquor
|
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Stolen Vehicle -
1984 BMW stolen
|
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Vandalism Arrest -
Two males, tagging
|
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Residential
Burglary - Three laptop computers and cash stolen
|
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Recovered Stolen
Vehicle (yes, it is not all bad news)
|
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Los Altos:
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Residential
Burglary - a guitar and cash stolen
|
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Menlo Park:
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DUI
|
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Atherton:
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Suspicious
Circumstances - an item observed hanging from a mailbox looked like a red
purse, but turned out to be a make-up bag.
|
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Suspicious
Juveniles - Three juveniles were fishing at Bear Gulch Reservoir and turned
over to their parents.
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This is the one that
got me going. A make-up bag?! Thank God it wasn't a purse!
And I often wonder
about the term "suspicious". Who is suspicious here? Did they call the cops
before or after determining that the purse was really a make-up bag? And what's
"suspicious" about fishing at a reservoir?
Well, not everything
is so comical in Atherton. For example (I will dispense with the complete
listing of various burglaries, assaults, armed robberies, prostitution and hate
crimes in the nearby communities.)
Police Blotter, Sept
19, 2002
|
Atherton
|
Grand Theft -
laptop stolen from school
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So we see that,
sometimes, bad things do happen in Atherton. But there's a pattern emerging
here that you'll see by the end of this column.
Police Blotter, Sept
24, 2002
|
Atherton
|
Errant Balls - A
resident of Selby Lane came close to being hit in the head by one of four
balls that had flown over her fence about 6 p.m. Friday during a lacrosse
game.
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This one is my
favorite! Your neighbors are playing a lacrosse game, in the late
afternoon, and they are so bad at it that they hit balls ("four" of
them) over your fence. So naturally, what do you do about it? Why, you call
the cops,
of course!
Wait! I've got more!
Police Blotter, Sept
??, 2002
|
Atherton
|
Suspicious Vehicle
- The resident on Coghlan Lane who reported two vehicles with flashing lights
in front of his house was informed that the vehicles belonged to California
Water Service workers who were flushing the drains
|
Hmmm. I don't think
this is helping me understand the Athertonian meaning of the term "suspicious".
Two vehicles, with the logo of "California Water Service" emblazoned on their
sides, lights flashing, are "suspicious"? Rats, I guess I'd never make it as
an Athertonian!
Here is a sad tale.
Synopsis, Police
Blotter, Oct 25, 2002
|
Atherton
|
Strong-Arm Robbery
- a girl who was selling candy on the 100 block of Selby Lane was knocked
to the ground and robbed by four juveniles
|
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Suspicious Person
- a person with a flashlight observed in the window of a dark cottage on
Serrano Drive about 11 p.m. Wednesday was the victim of a power outage.
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Stealing candy from
a baby!! That is sad, but Atherton's civic responsiveness has a way of lifting
your spirits. "Harriet, looks like our neighbor has lost his lights. What
should we do?" "But, of course, George, call the cops!"
Yes, Athertonians
are always looking out for their neighbors (consider that phrase carefully), as
in these examples.
Police Blotter, Oct
26, 2002
|
Atherton
|
Parking Problem -
the driver of a red 2000 Jaguar that was taking up two parking spaces on
the 100 block of Watkins Avenue agreed to move it over
|
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Suspicious Persons
- two men who were wearing ropes and scaling walls at Marsh and Middlefield
roads about 3 p.m. Thursday turned out to be tree trimmers
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Now, if someone
parks their red Jaguar across two spaces in front of my house, I just mumble
to myself "Asshole! Nice car, though," but I guess I'm just not cut
out for Atherton.
I wonder what the
two "suspicious persons" had to do to prove their legitimacy. If I ever visit
Atherton, do you think a social security card would be enough, or should I
carry my birth certificate, too?
And it's not just
strangers who should carry proper identification. How about this neighborly
exchange?
Police Blotter, Nov
26, 2002
|
Atherton
|
Petty Theft - a
man in a rusty orange Dodge Dakota stood on the top of his truck to reach
and remove fruit from a tree on the 200 block of Austin Avenue.
|
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Noise Complaint -
About 10 a.m. Saturday on Caroline Lane, a man who was building a tree fort
for his son was making too much noise to suit a neighbor
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The man on the
Dakota just didn't know about Atherton ("rusty Dodge"? Obviously
didn't live there), but the man who dared to build a tree fort on a Saturday
morning
certainly should have known better!
The Atherton police
department must have a sturdy sense of humor, that's all I can say after
reading the following.
Police Blotter, Dec
14, 2002
|
Atherton
|
Citizen Arrest -
Instead of medical attention, a person who fell into a ditch on the 200 block
of Polhemus Avenue preferred police presence about 7:30 a.m. Thursday
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"I've fallen, and I
can't get up. Call the cops!"
Finally, I give you
one more example. This is the one that drove me to actually write this column.
Enough is enough! (and yes, things are still happening in nearby communities)
Police Blotter, Feb
4, 2002
|
Palo Alto
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Vandalism - vehicle sprayed with silver paint
|
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Grand Theft - purse stolen
|
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Petty Theft - two headlights removed from an airplane
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Mountain View
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Grand Theft - tools from the bed of a truck
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Los Altos
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Disturbance - someone pounding on outside wall
|
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Loose Animals - leash law violations
|
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"Just Drive" - an
intoxicated passenger in a Yellow Cab was unable to tell the driver where
he lived
|
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Menlo Park
|
Vandalism -
obscenities sprayed on woman's vehicle
|
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Redwood City
|
Vandalism -
someone seen scratching multiple cars with a key
|
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Residential
Burglary - television, DVD, microwave, cordless phone, sewing machine
|
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Atherton
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Non-Violation -
About noon Sunday, someone complained about a house painter who was working
on the weekend
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For me, this was the
last straw. Obviously, as I am writing this on the weekend, I know that I would
never fit in as an Athertonian.
One might complain
about this column, "Lies, damned lies, and statistics!" But I assure you this
is a representative sample of the police blotters for this period of time.
Sure, there were some more serious things going on in Atherton. Several laptops
were stolen from schools, aggressive pit bulls (I wonder who they belong to?),
thirty pumpkins stolen, a twelve-foot Christmas tree stolen, a principal's
office window broken, school yard mugging (P.E. teacher broke it up). A woman
walking twelve dogs (12!) wasn't cleaning up after them (wonder who she works
for, and why she has to walk twelve dogs simultaneously to make a living?)
Two women were
caught inside a residence, and arrested, on a Saturday afternoon! These
women obviously didn't know much about Atherton, either. And, of course,
recently a seventeen-year-old girl threatened some boys on the basketball court
with her car (how she got it on the basketball court is beyond me).
While these are not laughable matters, the general nature and pattern of
"crime" in Atherton is fascinating.
I will continue
reading the Police Blotter. It's even better than the comics page!
Atherton is,
indeed, a special place.
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