ON LOVING

so… “love.”
What can I say? It’s what I crave by default- being that I’m a teenage girl.
Although the idealism of it is great and all… I’m not a big fan. So far my little love interests, if you can call then that, all ended sucky.
They all kinda start the same- there’s this guy… and he’s great! We start talking, and totally hit it off! I’m on a huge high- I even like the nervous feeling I get around him. It’s exciting. Then I find out…
He’s gay.
He has a girlfriend.
He want to be… (shiver) friends.
He hates me.

I haven’t even graduated highschool, and mine ears have heard four of the WORST replies to my timid “I like you.”
It’s a mofo.
I could rant for pages about this. I’ve never dated ever. EVER. And it’s not like I’m bad looking, and I’m a nice person… so basically, I’m either just too tall for real boys… or CUPID FRIGGIN HATES ME.
I’m not doing that typical girl thing and blaming it on the guys. Yeah, they’re shallow…etc, etc. But so am I. I’m not blaming either gender. I’m blaming the little prick with the arrows.

Think about it. We are entrusting one of the most exciting, wonderful, and potentially traumatic emotions that we as human beings can experience to some naked winged kid who hasn’t even hit puberty.
This… toddler… doesn’t even know what love is. He probably thinks he’s out there playing tag or something, and really he’s turning my life into Vietnam.

Sigh. But what are you gonna do? He’s an evasive little crap; I’ve never even seen him coming.

I’ll tell myself now that I’ll be more careful with my feelings, or won’t fall so easily, but I know that next time he jabs me with his little love needle I’ll forget all that. One of the best things about love is the “swept away” part. No matter how it ends, I guess.
“ It’s better to have loved and lost…etc, etc.” So they say.

ADDED TWO DAYS LATER… (and I’m not even kidding)
I’m in love. He’s awesome and it’s totally exciting. I’ve been here before... but I like it.

ON BEING LOVED

Hmm. See, the funny thing about being loved, at least for me, is that I’ve never liked it.
“ Huh,” you might say, or “Wtf?”

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t really like the feeling of someone being… dependent? is that the right word? on me.
One of my friends gave me this quote, from the Canterbury Tales,
“Women always desire what is forbidden to them and run away from what pursues or is forced upon them.”

I hate stereotypes, and I was all ready to argue the quote, until I realized that it was me. Really me. I don’t think I’ve ever liked someone who openly pursued me, and if I did I was immediately turned off by the pursuit.

In fact this new cat that I’ve going after hardly pays attention to me at all. I mean, we talk and stuff, but nothing hardcore. *sighs* And their was this kid that I kinda liked over the summer, but when he started liking me back, I didn’t dig it.

What’s up with THIS? I can’t even blame it on the kid with the ballistic love missiles.
Do guys get like this too? I have no idea.

I don’t want to blame it on women… I know I can’t help it. I just keep telling myself that it’s kind of a test. That when I really like someone I’ll know, because I won’t get driven back by a return of feelings.
I could be right.

Email your comments to Livie at Livie@hazelst.com