A column about kissing?
OK. Here goes....
Walk up to a nice looking girl. Say out loud in a firm-yet warm voice, "Can I kiss you?" Add a delicious smile to the mix.
Voila! *Smooch*
Now it helps to be a good kisser. I am a good kisser. It is the one thing that I know I do well. I am always confident that a girl will enjoy one of my kisses, so I think that confidence shows when I ask them for one. Girls are attracted to confident things, and I think that's how it all works. Oh yeah, liberal amounts of alcohol sure do help ferry things into action. Let me tell you!
If you'll allow me to use my favorite quote from the movie Anchorman, "They say 60% of the time, it works 100% of the time." No shit. It really does. I even dressed up all dorky at my birthday party last year. I had my hair slicked over sideways, big thick dork glasses on, a powder blue suit-coat with ugly plaid pants. I looked like I just got kicked out of a slide-ruler convention for being too eccentric. I was going around the whole party asking girls if I could kiss them. I think I got shot-down twice and made-out with 3 girls. Not bad, I say. Besides, it was all pretty innocent. Well, except for the last girl. No, now that wasn't innocent at all. Yeah, that was pretty dirty if you ask me. Let's not talk about the last girl, OK.
If it doesn't pan out, don't beg for it, it's over. I've tried begging, they ususally have a good reason why they don't want to kiss you. Items such as, "I have a boyfriend." or the classic, "Your best friend is my brother. No way." Yeah, if they don't go for it right away, just give up right there. You can always try again later on when they're drunk. If they already are drunk then you've got problems, or if it's still the boyfriend thing, she's a really nice girl. Here was how it played out with a girl that had frequented more than one of our racous parties.
First Party; Scene 1.
Setting: In the Kitchen. Players: Me, Mike, Erik and somebody else, prolly Aaron.
Obviously drunk, hot Girl to Erik: "Can I have a drink?"
Me: "I suppose I can fetch you one."
Girl slides up next to me and presses her whole, very hot body up against the front of mine, and is now 2 inches from my face.
Hot Girl: "That would be very nice." or something like that, I wasn't paying much attention to what she was saying.
I think the only other time I felt a woman do that to me, and it felt like THAT was in a "Gentleman's Club" in Reno. I mean, a friend told me it was like that. I wouldn't know. Needless to say I got her a drink and she ran off with it. You're welcome
.
Second party, (my birthday) SCENE 2.
Setting: The Livingroom Players: pretty much everyone was there.
Me to Hot Girl: "What's your name? I remeber you from that other party."
Girl: "Oh yeah! My name is <something that I don't remeber. Was it Sasha?>"
ME: "Can I kiss you? You still owe me for that drink last time."
Girl: "No, sorry. I have a boyfriend, and I would feel terrible."
Scene 3 includes about 15 mins of me begging. It was ridiculous. I almost had her though. I asked her if it was my dork costume, and she said, "No, I remeber that you are hot from the last party." I felt much better after she said that.
Scene 4 reads out like a girls gone wild video where hot girl hooks up with her friend on the couch in front of everybody. I think to myself two things. a. That is very hot and sexy. 2. How is that different from kissing me? I felt like such an ass.
Now, if the random girl is a total slut, she'll want to have sex with you after you kiss her. I can't say whether or not that is a good idea to pursue, but I am going to say that it usually only takes one kiss and you know if you're "in" or not. I am not what you would call a "player". I do not go around cruising for sex. I usually go around looking for fun, and in my book that can be any number of things including sex. Sex is not super important to me though, because strangely enough I feel that it should be reserved for girls I like a lot, and enjoy spending time with doing other things, such as talking or going biking or something.
But enough about sex, we are talking about kissing.
Kissing, on the other hand, is something that would basically classify me as a whore. I love to kiss women, and it works out well. Apparently they like to kiss me back. (Who knew?) I think I like the psychology of a kiss, and that's what really fascinates me about it. In more than one way, it can be much sexier than having sex. Here is some food for thought. How does most sex start? Maybe with a kiss? (What's wrong with a kiss boy?) Have you ever had sex without kissing? If so, have you ever had a kiss that was better than some sex you've had? Wasn't the whole point of that movie, Pretty Woman, she would do ANYTHING to Richard Gear, EXCEPT kiss him? I was also told by a "friend" (mind you, not that I would know personally), that in Reno strip clubs, you're not allowed to kiss the strippers during a lap-dance. They will get naked and rub ALL OVER your body. They will do some very lewd things, and you can even lick thier boobs if no-one's looking, but no kisses. If you do get kissed by a stripper, then it means either she actually digs you, or she is a total slut. By the way, when that happens it is so rad. Think about it though, she is a stripper, in a strip club. If you're not fat, hairy, AND smelly, she'll probably be delighted to dance for you 'cause you're halfway normal. (You're so in!)
Anyway, Kissing is sinful, but also light-hearted fun. It all depends on the girl or the situation, as well as how you go about the actual kissing. Some key moves include, biting the upper and lower lip very lightly, lightly rubbing her upper teeth with your tongue, sucking on upper/lower lips, sucking lightly on her tongue, and of course the ever classic, back away an deny her the kiss, but then relent and give it to her a second later. Practice these classy moves and before you know it, you'll be making up your own moves! (And making out a whole lot!) I think it's important to have control of yourself, however. Don't ever engorge yourself with the girl. I hate it when they do that to me. That just is bad manners. It should be very romantic sensual experience, not a slaughter. I don't think harsh kisses achieve anything more than bit lips and knocked-teeth. It's a clumsy ham-fisted kiss that will turn me off everytime. Your tongue should never touch her tonsils. That is the rudest feeling I have ever had, and I think I even looked at her really funny after she did that. "Why?" I thought to myself. I just don't undertand what motivates that. Do you want to choke me? It's not really disgusting as it is mostly just invasive. Amateur. Really.
 You can also keep it simple for a friendly peck on the lips. Just don't mix the two up. After two hours solid of full-blown making out with your GF, you'll end up french kissing you're mother goodbye. Ohh, painful memory. I wish I could forget THAT one. Mom only gets the friendly pecks now.
That's all I can give away for now.
To contact Paul email terrifytissue@hazelst.com |
