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The following loan application was received in August from my college-aged daughter, who is applying for a loan from Dad.

Please indicate the amount of the loan:
(a) Last time you loaned me $300, so if you loan me more this time, I won't have to ask again for awhile.  Like, $500 would be best. 
(b) I also need money for gas, but that's separate. 
(c) How much have you got?

When will you pay back the loan? 
(a) infinity  (b) longer  (c) pay it back?  Ha ha.

Residence: Please provide current address, and whether you rent or own. 
I live independently at college.  There's no rent or anything, the school pays for it.  One of my girlfriend's father bought her a house to live in, which is like a really good idea because it saves money and that way I would be even more independent.  I need you to do my laundry.

Describe credit history: 
It wasn't my fault I haven't been able to pay you back from the other times I've borrowed money but I'm going to just as soon as I have some extra bucks.

Purpose of loan (how will the funds be used?):
(a) A bunch of us are going to take a quick trip to the lake before school starts.  I need a break, all I do is work! 
(b) I don't know, I just need money!  If I took the time to try to figure out where I am spending every penny, I would never have any time to study.  You do want me to study, don't you? 
(c) I am an adult and shouldn't have to answer this question.

Acknowledgement: Applicant has received and read the lender's disclosure of how tough college was when he was young, how little money he spent and how hard he had to work for it: 
(a) no, not disclosed.  (b) yeah, whatever.

Job History:
(1) Supposed to rake the back yard.  In this position I was responsible for getting the rake out of the garage, raking up the leaves, putting the leaves in bags, putting the bags out for collection, and putting the rake away.  My manager in this instance was a grumpy man who acted all mean about it, and it wasn't my fault that my best friend in the world from high school showed up and wanted to take me to lunch. 
(2) Supposed to paint the house this summer.  I had the same grumpy manager.  This was a really difficult job and I was going to do it but then I ran out of time.  It's not my fault, all I do is work! 
(3) Part time at the clothing store.  This worked out really, really well because I got a discount on everything I bought.  Also they let me have a house charge account.  Can you send them another payment this month?

Reference: Please provide the name of at least one person who will always know how to find you. 
(a) My roommate Cathy except when you call late on a Friday night and then she'll act all guilty and secretive. 
(b) What do you mean, "find me"?  You know where I am; I'm at college. 
(c) You know, this is really none of your business.

Collateral: Please enter the current value of the automobile you are driving, including an explanation of the damage to the right rear fender. 
(a) What?  How did that happen?  I never noticed it before!  Well it's not my fault.  I really need a new car.  Cathy's father got her an Audi, it is really cute and it winds up saving money in the end because it gets such good gas mileage.

Disbursement of Funds:
Please deposit directly into my account for me, I don't have time to run to the bank.  Also, I need that gas money in cash, could I have that now?  Also I need money for food.  Can I borrow your blender?

I, the undersigned, hereby testify that the information herein is accurate, except maybe I should have $600 so I can buy some new clothes because school is just starting.  Unless you just want to let me borrow the credit card.  That way, you're not out any money!

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W. Bruce Cameron is the author of "Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter" and "How to Remodel a Man."