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 I never played a lot of board games when I was a kid, and attribute it to two things:
Firstly, my only sibling, an older brother, preferred blowing up discarded black and white television sets in the woods across the streets to playing Candyland ™ with his squirty little sister. Secondly, my Dad worked long hours. My Stay-at-Home mom, raised during WWII, probably didn't understand that “Go get the Chutes and Ladders ™ ” meant “Find the board game” and not “Prepare to escape!”
Maybe she would have preferred to escape.
My kids aren't enthusiastic about board games either. Instead, they spend a heck of a lot of their quiet time conquering Russia , leading hatchet-carrying cows into battle and fighting alien armies. They do this while sitting in front of their computer screens. If I'm fed up listening to hacking, chopping and shooting sounds, or the electricity goes off, we might actually attempt a family game of Trouble ™ or a chess challenge. Most of the time, however, the “Bored Game” collection simply gathers dust on the shelf.
Perhaps some new titles would lure lackluster moms like me and their jaded offspring. Here're some examples for the game manufacturers to consider:
1/ For the new mom who just left the workforce - How about M*A*S*H, or “Mothers Adjusting to Staying at Home?” The premise of this realistic combat simulation game is deceptively simple. The new mother is given six weeks in which she must:
• Fight post natal depression (and post nasal drip for extra points)
• Conquer boredom
• Overcome incredible fatigue
• Break through an intensive Demoralized Zone
M*A*S*H* is best played alone at home, in a dark, quiet room, with the curtains closed. An enclosed CD will feature appropriately somber tunes such as “Yesterday,” “The Way We Were” and “It's my Party and I'll Cry if I Want to.”
2/ Can you picture Go Fish as an action game? In 30 unmonitored seconds, preschoolers run off and grab tiny Matchbook car tires, mini-Lego blocks, teething rings, pacifiers, Barbie ™ shoes and anything else under 2” in diameter they can fling into a toilet bowl.
At the sound of the flush, beleaguered moms rush to their toilet stations to attempt to dig out the various toy arms, legs and tires before the tank overflows and a plumber needs to be phoned. The mom with the driest bathroom floor wins.
Spin offs of this game include: “Please Find My Missing Eyelash Curler!” and “Where Could That Remote Control Handset Be Hiding?”
3/ Par Cheesy is an easy kitchen table game . Moms are given three minutes in which to jot down a list of green vegetables they've conned offspring into eating by coating them in melted cheddar, American, Swiss or parmesan cheeses. Even Velveeta and Cheez Whiz counts. Extra points are given for brussels sprouts and asparagus consumption.
4/ Just imagine a rainy-day activity game called Cowboys and Indian Givers. Hostess Mom watches helplessly as ruffian “cowboy” children destroy her clean living room. Children score points for knocking over lamps, spilling juice on the upholstery, tearing jackets off books, cracking picture frames or damaging any other fragile valuables that Hostess Mom has been loco enough to leave within their filthy little grasps.
The game comes with plastic pistol-whipping guns, ‘Hang ‘em High” jump ropes and (non-toxic) finger warpaint. “Heap-Big-Tantrums” result when visiting mothers must convince their precocious darlings to return the cowboy hats, toy guns and Indian headdresses they covet at the end of the session.
Fun variations include “Gum Fight at the O.K. Corral,” “Wound-up Time,” “Pok'er Again and Get Spanked!” and “Don't Fence Me in This Playpen.”
5/ In Monotony , a vacation twist on the popular Parker Brother's board game, you're on vacation with your family and the world is your oyster . But nobody in your family actually eats oysters so you can't PASS GO until you find a child-friendly restaurant with chicken fingers.
GET OUT OF JAIL (which looks a lot like your living room on a rainy day) when you finally land on a souvenir shop with a public restroom. Perhaps you'll draw a CHANCE card stating that your husband must take the kids to the beach while you relax at the spa. What luck! Return five hours later to sunburn, grumpiness and filthy, sweaty clothes.
And that's just your husband.
6/ In the 21 st century, two-part version of the famous Milton Bradley game Operation you work on LIVE, THRASHING PATIENTS.
Step one: Comb through your daughter's hair for head lice. BUZZZZ! Nits! You lose! Finding lice means your whole house is infested, and you've just had a playgroup over this morning. And how about having to alert recently departed houseguests or prospective clients you had to dinner last night?
Step two: Travel to New England for some hiking in the mountains. Return home and rush to locate microscopic deer ticks you must remove before the kids come down with something horrible like Lymes Disease or Rocky Mountain spotted fever. Finding a real, live tick earns you 30 bonus points ONLY if you manage to pull out the whole body and not just the legs.
The possibilities for new game titles are endless: I could have Stayed an Old Maid, Scribble- Scrabble , Hop to the Scotch, Price Tag , Pie -eye d Piper, I'm Going on a Head Trip , At the end of my Jump Rope , Jacks Daniel, Hide-and-Go -Weep, You're Really in Trouble , Diaper Rash Dash , You Had Better Be Sorry , Not a Cross Word and, my personal favorite - Kick the Darn Ball Already.
If any game manufacturers want to call me for further brainstorming, I'm happy to oblige, provided I'm not too busy playing “ I've Lost My Marbles ” or “ I Wish I had a Clue.”
Email Faith at Faith@FaithFoyil.com
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