Deer Diary

By Faith R. Foyil
(As published in Focus on Newtown, October 26th 2006)

I see dead deer.

Actually I see more live deer than dead deer.

Just the other day a cute little Bambi stared at us from up ahead on Eagle Road as my son and I drove home from his late afternoon soccer practice.  As I slowed, Bambi froze, giving us a close view of its soft-looking tan coat, pure white neck bib, perky little white-tipped tail and “doe-like” brown-eyed, innocent expression that all hid the fact that this seemingly tranquil looking creature was probably terrified out of its dear little mind, (make that little deer mind), and was probably thinking, in frightened, deer thoughts:

“YIKES!”

Lucky for both the deer and us nobody got hurt. And even after Bambi ran into the woods, my handy sixth sense told me that I should continue driving slowly while watching for additional deer, since I vaguely remembered that deer moved in packs. This was the same uncanny intuition that told me that the unusual noise I had heard at four a.m. the night before could have been my dog, Buddy, barfing at the base of my bed.

Buddy was indeed barfing that night, and, sure enough, four seemingly identical deer scampered out of the woods and crossed Eagle road right in front of us. My son rolled down the rear window and cooed to them as if they were pet chickens.

So here we were, almost parked in the middle of the road, talking to deer, savoring this quaint pastoral scene, drinking in the serenity of a nearly perfect sunset, watching Bambi and friends frolic into the woods, heedless of all care including the fact that a big black Toyota Highlander was barreling down the road behind us and would smack us in the backside if I didn’t put my car into motion pretty darn fast and get going.

Which I did.

Pennsylvania has over one million deer and, according to local State Farm auto insurance representative, Megan Clawson, had more deer collisions than any other state in America, at least from June ’04 to July ‘05.

Oh, deer!

Megan told me that October through December is deer mating, or “rutting” season, with peak periods the last two weeks in October and first two weeks in November.

I researched this topic a bit more and discovered more interesting facts about deer mating season. Often, I learned, the male deer’s neck will swell to nearly twice its normal size to attract females. This is not unlike many of the football players with whom I graduated high school. Female deer apparently have scent glands on their feet. Secretions from these feet scent glands are especially strong during mating season and, I would assume, after sweaty workouts at the gym.  

Deer are extra active in early evening, not unlike my dog and younger son. These animals (the deer, not my son and dog) are attracted to spaces between open areas and woods. Places like Eagle Road, I guess, offer low brush, tasty saplings and the scent of nearby fertilized flower and vegetable patches; such gardens have been painstakingly planted by unassuming humans who would rather their  plants remain in the ground and not in some cute deer’s mouth.  But losing a few flowers is a small sacrifice area residents pay in order to help keep up those big Pennsylvania deer numbers.

By hanging out on the fringe of the urban sprawl, deer are far enough away from hunters with guns and close enough for a bit of tasty azalea. This proximity to nice humans and their gardens also puts them awfully close to the paths of oncoming soccer mom vehicles.

To gently deter deer, or at least soccer moms from hitting deer, inventions like deer whistles have been tried. These contraptions mount to the front of your car producing some sort of ultrasonic sound. But apparently they don’t work very well.

So forget them.

Additionally, “Deer Xing” warning signs have been strategically positioned at spots, I guess, where deer have been known to migrate.  To be honest, all of the deer I’ve seen in the last few weeks were nowhere near the “Deer Xing” signs. Perhaps Eagle Road deer don’t know that the “X” in “Xing” means “cross.”  Or maybe all those tasty azaleas have clogged up their brains.

The Insurance Information Institute for Highway Safety offers many pages of ineffective methods for deterring deer, so forget about them, too.

The best solution seems to be simply to slow down, just like I was doing.  The Institute further suggests you blow your car horn with one long blast to frighten the deer away.  If blowing the horn doesn’t frighten the deer away, it will at least wake you up if it’s been a long day and, unlike your dog and younger child, you’re tired.

So, if you live on or around Eagle Road and hear a strange sound in the middle of the night but don’t have a barfing dog to blame, the noise could just be a deer or two outside contentedly munching on your azaleas.

Try to show the deer some compassion.

After all, ‘tis The Season.  

Writer Faith R. Foyil is the author of Sunny Daze: The Humorous Misadventures of a Tropical Island Mom and can be visited on her website at www.faithfoyil.com .

© Faith R Foyil 2006

Faith R. Foyil has been named a finalist in HumorPress.com's " America 's Funniest Humor" Contest for December 2005/January 2006, the publisher has announced. For her writing, she has earned publication online and in print. Her entry, "Science Isn't Always Fair," will be featured in an upcoming print edition of " America 's Funniest Humor."

HumorPress.com is an online humor-writing contest and publishing site. See www.HumorPress.com

Email Faith at Faith@FaithFoyil.com

Click here to order Faith's book, Sunny Daze -
The Misadventures of a Tropical Island Mom.

Check back to www.faithfoyil.com   in a few weeks for more details on how you can order signed copies of  Faith's first book, Sunny Daze: The Humorous Misadventures of a Tropical Island Mom published by Llumina Press 2005.