If Buddy, the Dog, Could Write .

By Faith R. Foyil

Dear Female Creature with Divine-Smelling Toes,

I'm forever in your debt for your family's kindness, even the little creature who pulls on my tail while I'm eating breakfast. You rescued me from that nasty animal shelter and welcomed me with open paws into your fine abode. I could hardly sleep a wink in that nasty, newspaper-lined cage with nearly round-the-clock howling and barking. Some of the noisiest intruders were mysteriously escorted away, never to return.

I survived by harboring faint memories of a former, happier life. These thoughts still come back to me in sweet, dream-like whispers that are fading as fast as the aromatic smoky taste of my new favorite chew toy, the one you gave me yesterday after I pooped on the grass instead of your living room carpet.

So, yes, I am grateful. However, and again, without sounding unappreciative, I feel compelled to draw your attention to a few issues we need to resolve in order to ensure an even smoother working relationship:

1.) Those dry, nutritional pebbles you toss into my bowl every morning are, in a word, boring. They would be adequate if I was a starving waif lost in the forest. I'm fully aware you've got more succulent wet meat products hidden in cans in your kitchen cupboard next to the tuna fish. It would be wonderful if you could automatically mix in some of that succulent stuff with the dried pebbles without me having to feign illness and sniff despondently at my bowl.

2.) We're also wasting a lot of time regarding general communication. When I whine it doesn't always mean I have to "Go Doodie," as you so charmingly ask. Sometimes I may just desire your assistance in jumping up onto the couch. Or maybe I'm looking for a sock or sneaker on which to nibble. The sooner you understand these whine nuances, the quicker we can both get on with our lives.

3.) "Buddy" is an adequate appellation for an anonymous New York taxi driver or the mall parking lot stranger of whom you inquire the time of day. For your children's first dog, if you had to be so, well, juvenile, I could have suggested a less generic, yet still peppy-sounding name, like Bruno or Sparky. Hank, a sturdy but still playful name, might even have sufficed. You could even have selected a literary name from one of your favorite tomes. For future reference, why not peak through that really excellent-tasting, leather-bound edition of Wuthering Heights I spotted yesterday dangling off your bedside table? See page 105. It's under your bed. At least part of it.

Respectfully Yours,

"Buddy"
a.k.a.
Heathcliff

Email Faith at Faith@FaithFoyil.com

Sunny Daze: the Misadventures of a Tropical Island Mom

Check www.faithfoyil.com    for more details on how you can order signed copies of  Faith's first book, Sunny Daze: The Humorous Misadventures of a Tropical Island Mom published by Llumina Press 2005.