by Tom Mach

I've looked everywhere, and I can't find a book that will teach me how not to get published. This is amazing, since we have so many experts in the field of unpublished writing. Think of it-you can probably go to any home in America and find an unpublished manuscript being used as a paperweight. Of course, some of these people will probably tell you they never intended to publish anyway, but check out their wallpaper. I'll bet it's littered with rejection slips.

Don't get me wrong--I have nothing against unpublished writers, but I do think they ought to share their failures with authors like Toni Morrison, Tom Clancy, John Grisham, and Sue Grafton. These writers have probably forgotten how to write badly, and that's a shame. Of course, there are published writers who still write poorly, and I applaud them because they allow us to pick up their books and see for ourselves how bad writing is done properly.

For our first lesson in poor writing, let's examine the following:

Maureen sat at a bar, her head slouched, staring at her drink, wondering why she ordered a Manhattan when she lived in Queens. Next to her, Horace adjusted his trifocals to take a second look at the woman wondering why she was thinking about Queens when there were better places to live, like Chicago. Patricia glared at Horace as he gazed at the lady seated close to him. What did her husband see in Maureen anyway? Why would he think this slut from Queens should live in Chicago? Weren't all sluts created equal?

Okay, that's a good example of poor writing. How could Horace know what Maureen is thinking? And how could Patricia know what Horace was thinking? Writing books and writing schools talk about POV, and I always thought this meant Please Omit Verbiage because The Elements of Style always said to omit needless words. But, no, POV means point-of-view, and I found out that editors hate it when you shift POV on them. Here's one way to get around that problem and still have bad writing:

Maureen sat at a bar, her head slouched, staring at her drink, wondering why she ordered a Manhattan when she lived in Queens. Next to her, Horace adjusted his trifocals to take a second look at the woman. If he concentrated, he could read her mind. Ah, here it was…she was wondering why she was thinking about her Manhattan when she actually lived in Queens. Patricia glared at Horace as he gazed at the lady seated close to him. What did her husband see in Maureen anyway? She went to the same mind-reading class that Horace recently attended, and she knew what he was thinking. She only wondered why he thought that this slut from Queens should live in Chicago. Weren't all sluts created equal?

I suppose if you really wanted to get published, you'd do what the editors want and stick to one POV. In that case, you'd probably write something like this:

Maureen sat at a bar, her head slouched, staring at her drink, wondering why she ordered a Manhattan when she lived in Queens. She looked up and noticed the man next to her adjusting his trifocals. Why was he sneaking a peek at her? Did he think she was pretty? Well, she was better looking than the woman seated on the stool next to him. Maybe she was his wife and he was thinking of leaving the stable for a new mare. And what was that she just said to him? Something about all sluts being created equal?

That might make the editor a little happier with you, although he still might think you're a bit weird for writing such a weird scene. But at least all the thoughts are coming from one person's head. Too bad he doesn't accept the premise of there being mind-readers out there in the world because I like the second version better.

Anyway, that's our "how not to publish" lesson for today. If you can bear more on this topic, please write to me at tomMach62@yahoo.com.
Right now, I'm wrestling with the problem of writing a novel that everyone thinks is very publishable and can't wait for it to come out-which, unfortunately, may occur this year. Thus, before I finally become a published novelist, I had better share my past failures with you now so I don't forget them. If you want to learn more about my book-in-progress called Sissy, I'd be happy to send you excerpts. Hopefully, you'll be able to point out places in my manuscript where poor writing still abounds so I can relax and not become famous after all. Also, when you write, please let me know if you'd like to see Lesson 2 on how to be unpublished. I'd be happy to write it…and if I get all the lessons written, I'll try to get them published in a book. Hmmmmm……