by Tom Mach

It's amazing to see the many different ways you can avoid getting published. This one struck me today as I was watching TV rather than writing (which is what you should ALL do if you want to avoid getting published)-the characters in that story all sounded alike. I mean, it didn't matter if one was a bratty 16-year-old pot-smoking cocaine inhaler, another a 75-year-old math professor digging himself out of a crunode, or a 20-year-old CEO of a feminine hygienic products firm who was too busy being an executive to learn that her male underling had impregnated her while she was running through reams of paper trying to find a tax dodge while simultaneously not turning into another Enron. Let's give these people names so you can follow what I'm talking about. Here goes: "Kooky' is the teenager, "Dr. Shwartz" is the professor, and "Harriet" is the CEO….

"I do not like hard rock," Kooky said, "unless I find myself somewhere between a rock and a hard place."
"That's very interesting," Dr. Shwartz responded, "because when a curve of a rock crosses itself it will find two tangents, one being yourself and one being your parent."
"I hope to discover the man who made me a parent," Harriet added. "Actually, my attention was focused on some paperwork at the time. I sensed something else was going on, but I thought that I was testing a new tampon."

See how they all sound alike? Ah, that's the art of non-publishing. Those who leave the rank of non-publication would probably end up with the following dialogue instead:

"Hard rock sucks," Kooky said, taking out another joint.
"That's very interesting," Dr. Shwartz responded, "because when a curve of a rock crosses itself it will find two tangents, one being yourself and one being your parent."
"Find that bum who made me pregnant," Harriet screamed at the private detective. "Seems while I was busy raping the company, he was busy raping me!"

(Dr. Shwartz didn't make sense the first time around, and since math professors are not supposed to make sense anyway, I left his dialogue untouched.)

Another good way to ensure non-publication is to avoid contractions and always write in complete sentences-like this, for example:

"I cannot go to the meeting tonight as I have had a previous engagement. Therefore, I would like to ask you if you would please tell those in attendance that I will be absent?"

(That's good-the editor will surely puke when he reads that and send you an instant rejection notice. Don't make the mistake, however, of writing that dialogue this way:)

"Can't go. Just tell them I won't be there tonight."

Another thing you can do to get a quick rejection to add to your enormous stack of rejection slips is to detail every aspect of a conversation, since you feel you want to make this very authentic-sounding.

For example, you DON'T want to write dialogue like the following if you want to avoid publication:
"Hey, John. Whatcha doin'?"

"Building a birdhouse."

(No, no, no….too short. The editor will probably continue reading and not choke. But look at the version below, which is the kind of non-publication style people die for---)

"Hi, John."

"Hi, Peggy."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm building a birdhouse."

"A birdhouse?"

"Yes. Do you like it?"

"It's very nice. Where will you be getting the birds?"

"Outdoors."

"Outdoors?"

"Yes. There are a lot of birds outdoors."

"That's right. There are, aren't there?"

--- You see, if you keep writing drivel like this, you can easily write a 400-page novel and not even have a story. Then you will get a letter from your editor begging you not to write, that you are making his life a living hell when you send him such crap, that you need to join a monastery or take up scuba diving-then you know you have arrived and you are non-published. And wouldn't THAT be great?

Tom can be reached at:
TomMach62@yahoo.com