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 Let me pose a tough problem to you. Assume that someone twists your arm (metaphorically, of course) to write an article about Thanksgiving. Let's say this person is an editor friend of your wife and he needs a piece (no, not that—get your mind out of the gutter)…he needs you to write a piece for his newspaper about how folks all around the country are enjoying Thanksgiving. You know what he's referring to—how families are gathered around to spend a meal together, how they discuss old times, share a few laughs, get drunk, and go home. You know—the usual stuff (or stuffing, since we're talking about Thanksgiving).
But you really don't want to get published, yet you don't want to cause problems because your wife has threatened to invite her mother to spend two months at your home if you refuse. So you tell this editor that yes, you will succumb to the ordeal. Hopefully, however, the article of yours won't get published because you are true to your avocation of never, ever, getting published so why start now…right? 
Well, use the techniques you've learned so far from these columns in not getting published. What you want to do is find an atrocious story that the newspaper wouldn't print. What kinds of articles would these be, you ask? Well, how about an imaginative article about turkeys who are seated at the Thanksgiving table, knives and forks in their claws, eyeing a human (maybe your mother-in-law?) that is about to be placed in the oven. Here it would be the turkeys, for a change, who would have a lot to be thankful for. Or, how about a piece about how many families have food fights in their dining rooms at Thanksgiving? Maybe you get a photographer to take pictures of pumpkin pies being hurled at one another, of yams sticking to the ceiling, of people threatening each other with turkey drumsticks? That ought to get you rejected as a writer. Perhaps you could focus on Thanksgiving meals where the main course would be Wild Turkey Rye and well-known celebrities such as Jim Beam and Jack Daniels could be included with the guests. You could take note as to who gets inebriated first, who says the first cuss words, and who dances on the table stark naked. Again another rejection—unless you submit this to a college magazine.
Remember to defy all the rules of proper manuscript submission while you're at it. Write out your article longhand rather than typing it, and be sure you write in the margins and crimp your writing so that it's difficult to read. Add to it, misspellings, the debauchery of lousy punctuation, and run-on sentences that seem to, well, run on and on.
To top it off, misspell the editor's name, but do it so that it's quite apparent how you feel about him. If his name is John Masshead, call him John Asshead. If his name is Tom Fuchs, call him…well, you get the picture.
Finally, crumple up your manuscript and stuff it in an envelope. Put plenty of tape on it so that the editor will need to go to Ace Hardware and buy a hacksaw to open it.
It will all be worth it in the end, however, when you get that rejection letter and you can tell your wife, “Honey, I tried but he didn't buy my article.” And your wife could reply: “I read your draft and I know you've been reading Mr. Mach's column on How Not To Get Published, and mother's coming over next week and she's staying for the entire year!”
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