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I guess I owe you, my faithful reader, a tearful apology for this long delay in sending you this column, but I must confess something at outset. Let's see…how can I put this to you gently? I got published.
What?!!!##!! Published?
I know…I know…A person who is writing a column on how not to get published isn't supposed to turn around and get published, right? I mean, it'd be like going to traffic school only to learn that the instructor has had five moving violations in the past month and an officer is waiting just outside the door to book him on a hit-and-run charge.
But let me explain. I've published a historical novel named Sissy!, hoping that such a strange name in itself would cause intense laughter. Furthermore, I self-published the book, thinking that no one in their right mind would buy a self-published novel by an unfamiliar author with a strange title like Sissy! Well, I was wrong, dagnabit! People did buy the book, and I'm selling so many books that I'm going into a second printing, and I now have an agent to boot who thinks my writing is wonderful and is going to find me a major publisher to buy the rights to my book. How tragic!
I don't know where I went wrong. I guess I made certain assumptions that weren't true. I suppose people nowadays want to buy books with kooky titles and don't seem to even care if the book is self-published.
But I digress. I need to tell you in this column that, unfortunately, you can get published if you publish it yourself. I mean, if you have the money, you don't need the talent. To make matters worse, I think some folks will read anything that appears to be far off the beaten track. For example, I bet you could write a best-seller entitled Male Scribbling on Bathroom Walls and sell it to women who want to know how pornographic tastes change state-by-state and maybe even see if their names are listed in the “For A Good Time Call---xxx ” list of phone numbers in the book. Then, after Amazon puts you down as a #1 Best Seller, you write another book entitled Female Scribbling on Bathroom Walls and capture another market segment.
So what can I tell you people about how not to get published? First of all, don't bother getting self-published because that defeats the purpose of why you were born on this earth. Secondly, if you are simply curious and want to see what happens anyway and self-publish, don't do what I did and write a great story. I mean, I got all caught up with myself in creating the characters I did and setting the scenes and making it all so real that some women claimed they cried. I know…I know… I wasn't supposed to do that. So don't you do that. If you want to self-publish but don't want to be successful, just fill up those pages with words. Don't worry about creating realistic characters, dramatic plots, incredible scenes, and interesting conflicts. A good way to do this is just write whatever comes to your mind, and I guarantee you can write an entire book in a day.
I tried doing that just now and this is what I came up with…
Why am I writing this garbage? Am I a garbage man? No. But I enjoy the putrid smells of words as they come off my keyboard and I consider each stroke an empty can or a ball of crushed paper being tossed into the receptacle. I consider myself the Santa Claus of nonsense, and I dispense nonsense with care as I fill up everyone's stockings with my aesthetic garbage.
As I was mulling over my thoughts, Susan entered the room, a dagger in her hand, her eyes glowing with venom. She was about to plunge her weapon into my chest when I….
No, no, no. Don't get caught up in a story. You'll just start editing it and it'll become popular like Sissy! and everyone will like it and buy it and then you'll have an agent and then you'll be famous and then you'll forget how to write so as not to get published.. Just stay with the garbage angle. |
