Oh, Loves!

How it went.

We didn't get the truck rental. (See previous column: Phantom Truck). We flew in Roger, Glenn's brother, to help us. Marika Gail, Glenn's twin drove down to help at 880 San Ardo Way. My son missed a bike race to help. The truck agency never had a truck big enough for us and never gave us one. Gail went home. My son went back to Santa Cruz.
"You know it costs me $20 dollars everytime I come over the hill?"
Roger had to go to class the next day and couldn't stay, but he rented a van and drove my plants down to LA.

My plants would be in LA before I would.

Plan b came into effect.

The guy I had met at "Late for the Train," Sean - the cook, came with his friend (Thanks God!), and helped us pack the four boxes that "Door to Door" delivered.
The guys loaded the boxes up very smartly, and it became obvious by the end of the day that - there wasn't enough room. We ordered two more boxes.
I like "Door to Door's" service, but they do need to take a look at their accounting package.
"It'll only cost $1,100 to move four boxes to LA."
Became "It'll only cost $1,600 to move six boxes to LA, but that doesn't count the picking up fee that's $99 dollars, oh, wait, twice, two pickups, and the storage access, that's $25 dollars per box and then there's the second storage access, plus a month of storage time, plus..."
It was really confusing. Can't they just tell you one number and that's it?
(The ending figures were a lot closer to $3,000, but we did get moved no thanks to U-Haul.)
When our guest room wouldn't fit, I gave the furniture away to a friend who just got a job and was sleeping on her apartment floor on a horrible air mattress. Paul came back over the hill and picked up Glenn's Mega-desk, "I'll find someone who can use it."
It hailed when he loaded into his truck. Lug, "Ouch," lug, "God this is a big dang desk! Ouch, that's hail!" shove, "Ouch!"
The landlord agreed to buy our good fridge. The one with the ice maker and the glass shelves and the ice water in the door thingy.
Sigh.
I gave away the extra fridge in the garage. I figured; the places down there would have a fridge.

Glenn packed up the cars, and I cleaned the house.
There was half a driveway full of trash left over. Not really trash, but I couldn't put liquid soaps and oily stuff in the storage boxes with all our stuff!
I called around to friends and family. My son's truck was full of Glenn's mega desk.
"You know it costs me $20 dollars everytime I come over the hill?"
No one could help us.
I called the city about the trash.
"You can leave it out on Thursday because you still have a free oversized pick up. You have to leave it on the curb, and it can't be bigger than 4X4X8."
"But, I can't! I'm leaving today."
"Oh. (Big pause) Oh, I know the city will fine you every day you leave it out; they patrol, and I know they will do it."
That's when I cried big fat sobbing tears. "Waaaaaaaa!"
"Wait, a second, don't cry..." she said the guilt hitting her pretty hard.
"It's just that, the truck ...and the furniture didn't fit...WAAAAAAA!"
"I'll send a guy over in 15 minutes."

The guy climbed out of his truck, and rubbed his chin for a few minutes assessing how much he could ping us for.
"What type of dish detergent does your wife use?" I asked.
"I don't know."
I handed him a bottle of detergent. I had just bought.
"Well, I don't know if she'll like this," he said raising his eyebrow.
"She'll LIKE IT!" I said and shoved the plastic bottle at him.
I watched his hair fly backwards with my reply. DAMN!
It was free! What was his problem?
He said he'd take it all away for $70 bucks.
What happened to the one more free pickup?
Sure, why not, Mountain View, kick me in the pants one more time if you please! I gave him a check, and we took off.

I had four cats in two cages in the back of the Rav4 surrounded by stuff. I couldn't see out the windows. I drove the cat car because I figured Glenn wouldn't be able to stand the "Meow, MEOWWWWW!" all the way to Los Angeles.
He drove the Passat with all the computers and the two dogs, balanced precariously on top.
"But don't leave any computer stuff uncovered where Lionel is; you know how he gets car sick."
I pictured Lionel upchucking all over our hard drives on the way down. "Well, you see, we can't rebuild your website because...the dang dawg barfed all over our hard drives."
Nah, he wouldn't.

We drove slow. Glenn knows I'm not the best driver, and I only had two hours sleep because we had to sleep on the floor the night before. Remember, we gave my friend our guest bed?
I had an aching back from lugging boxes, a bad hip on one side and a lump the size of a coconut on my other side, so I can't sleep on a floor. When I have the lump removed, I'm hoping they find a tooth in it, so I can say, "When they did the bib, the bub, the bibopsy, they found a tooth! It's true! It was my TWIN!" just like in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding."
Why didn't I sleep on my chest? Umm, it's the same coconut lump thing only double it, and the coconuts are larger.
I followed Glenn the whole way because I don't know the way to our friend's house.

So we made it all the way down I5 to the Grapevine. Everyone in California knows what the Grapevine is, but me. It's not just an exit. It has a whole history regarding Grapes and Vines, and Glenn told it to me, and I forgot it because I only had two hours sleep, and I was driving passed huge trucks when he told me, and I took a wrong turn, and I was driving with all the truckers in a PANIC!
Glenn was NO WHERE!
It was suddenly PITCH BLACK!
I couldn't see out the windows to change lanes. Truckers honked their horns at me!
I fumbled with my purse crying and got the cell phone out; it dropped in my lap as a big truck crushed past me horn blaring!
I grappled with my cell and pushed the "Glenn" button.
"Where are YOU!" we both said at once.
Me using my best whiney voice.
Glenn somehow guided me sign by sign to the exit. He was so cute. He just kept talking to me and singing. "Da, da, da, da, da now you'll be passing a sign soon that says "slow truckers," da, da, da da da." This is when he told me the history of the GrapeVine.
I exited praying and got coffee to wake up my two-hours-of-sleep head. Glenn stayed with the pets, and my ATM card stayed on the counter at the GrapeVine exit.
Glenn said, "Let's switch cars and you take the Passat."
The cats weren't really making any noise; I think they were too frightened. I switched with Glenn, and as we traveled over the hill next to really big trucks, I thought - gees, this really is a smooth ride - right up until there was wind gusts!
The car suddenly was pushed sideways into the next lane. I felt the blood rush of panic as I gripped the wheel.
Glenn, being a guy driver, passed a truck, and I had to follow because I didn't know where the heck I was. As I tried to pass it, the back wheels of the trailer fishtailed in the dang, pushy winds, and the rear of this huge semi swung in front of my headlights and missed me by inches.
Then, I was AWAKE!
I grabbed my cell phone and said, "SLOW DOWN! You almost lost me!"
"Just flash your headlights if you want my attention. That's easier." Glenn said.
Then this stuff started coming down from the sky that didn't exactly look like rain. As a matter of fact, GOD? Was that SNOW? In April? In California?
It started to snow, Hard.
Instantly, my screen fogged up! I pushed all the car buttons, but I couldn't exactly see what I was doing because I was crying, and I couldn't remember where the headlights were in the Passat. My field of vision was down to about the size of a candy bar; when, I finally figured out how to flash Glenn frantically!
He got it.
He led me off the highway, and we drove onto a shoulder in front of ongoing traffic while I cried and prayed.
(Thanks God! That was three or four times today? I lost count.)

Glenn got out, and sounding like a highway patrolman, he leaned into my window and said, "What's the Problem, Now, Lady?"
When he bent over my window, he "GEES!" got snow down his pants.
(I was kind of glad that happened.)
Glenn fiddled with the knobs, freezing his butt till the defogger worked.
I just sobbed. I was so scared.(Gosh, I'm such a baby.)

So we arrived at our friend's house at 3 am. He was out of town. Our friend's ferocious dog had escaped and was out front and not so ferocious. He was dying of thirst. We gave our friend's doggie some water, shoved the stuff and the pets inside and collapsed.
The next afternoon we woke up, and Glenn told me that he had gotten a call while we were on our way to LA.
"They won't let me in the building without my birth certificate."
"Which is?"
"Back in Mountain View in one of the boxes in front of our house...so I have to drive back."

Can you hear the stunned silence?

"If you drive, you won't get to sleep! I'll get you a plane ticket."
I got a ticket on travelocity for only $213 roundtrip for Sunday. My son, Paul agreed to pick him up.
We were still pretty groggy, so we had breakfast at a restaurant and came back to sit in the yard. We were both exhausted, but we noticed our friend's dog was convulsing like he was constipated and couldn't go. Maybe that's why he wasn't ferocious?
We were concerned, so Glenn took me to the pet store, and I got some umm, doggie-go stuff for mister ferocious.
Our friend's dog seemed better after. The poor guy opened his mouth as wide as a cavern and heaved. It was like a huge trash can full of green toxic waste, dumped over all at once. Quite shocking but apparently thero-sputic for dogs.

Sunday, I woke up and we got some essentials, so we wouldn't be eating expensive meals out (darn); then, we had just enough time to get to the airport with an hour to spare like they say. Everything was arranged and on schedule. I actually felt efficient!
Glenn drove: I kissed him goodbye, and hopped behind the wheel.
"Okay, I can do this."
I planned to find a place to keep our pets because our friend didn't want them in the house. I got on the Horrible Los Angeles Highway and drove back scared the whole time I would get lost. Thinking, why didn't I find a pet boarding place sooner? Why didn't I plan this ahead of time?
What? When I was packing the whole house up? While I was running my business to pay the last of the bills or maybe when I was frantically searching for a truck or when I was finding another way to move? Or yeah, when I was finding packers? Okay.
How much does it cost to board six pets?
That's when my phone rang. It was ringing in my purse, which slid across the floor up against the passenger door. I stretched my right arm out as far as I could reach. My eyes were just above the dash as I drove with one hand, but I couldn't touch it. I knew it was Glenn because it wouldn't stop ringing. I unbuckled my safety belt and swiped at my bag watching traffic out one eye, but my fingertips were just hitting air. I had to pull over.
I quickly drove onto the shoulder and watched a continuous line of traffic wiz by thinking Great, I'll never get back on, as I answered the phone.

"Two Words!" Glenn said in my ear,
(Long Pause)
"DayLight Savings!"

He missed the flight. It was daylight savings, and he had arrived an hour later than we imagined. It took him 20 minutes to get to the terminal, and the plane had just taken off.
Amazingly, when I hung up there was a big space in traffic, so I jumped back on the highway. I raced home to see if there was anything I could do.
No more flights. All sold out.
"Can't the airlines help you?"
They put him on standby. He called back.
"Get out here with my suit and shoes; if I don't get the plane, we'll both drive up."
So I checked the pets, worried, got his clothes, worried and left for the airport.
This time the highway was more familiar and less scary. I was getting the hang of this LA.

I was two-thirds to the airport, Glenn called; "I got on the plane!" he shouted and hung up.

I felt like crying.
I called my bewildered son who was at the San Jose airport, "Where's Glenn?"
"Glenn's renting a car. He missed the first flight. You can go home."
"You know it cost me $20 bucks every time I come over the hill."
"Oh, Paul, don't be mad at me. I can't stand it, if you're mad."
"I'm not mad, but you owe me."
Yeah, and he owes me for a crashing out of my body 23 years ago and ripping me apart. Giving birth to him made my mother's discription, "It's like shitting a watermelon!" finally make sense.
It was nearly 6pm. I turned around and started home and saw…a Macy's like a beacon of welcoming light in the distance.

I decided to stop and buy myself a new shirt for being an excellent wife. I would need it for the next week; when, I would be sharing a booth at the Festival of Books. All my clothes were "cleaning" clothes, and they all looked pretty beat. The other author told me we were going to be interviewed by a television reporter!

I walked in five minutes before closing. The sales girls and the few customers stared at me strangely like they were holding back laughter. I thought "How Rude!" Not a very welcome attitude towards a new transplant.
I found out what the looks were for when I got in the dressing room with my light green shirt on sale for (Thanks, God!) $13.50! (God is such a sweetie and a smart alec!) What a hair doo! It stood straight up on one side.(GOD!) No wonder everyone looked at me odd.
I pulled into a place to eat, exhausted. I was too scared of getting lost to look for pet boarders.
I got to our friend's home okay, and Glenn came in around 3am.
The next day he got up at 6am and drove to work. It took him two and one half hours. I spent the few hours I was up, sorting out laundry and putting stuff away. I was too tired to do anything else. When Glenn got home he said "Maybe I'll leave at 5am tomorrow and miss the traffic."
He called me the next morning from work. "It still took two and a half hours."
"Hon, are you okay? Drink coffee."

By the third day, Glenn was a zombie. I figured I better find us a place fast, which meant I couldn't board the pets; we needed every sent we had. Well, maybe our friend would understand why we had six pets in his house?
I started looking on craigslist and yahoo. I found a note on the printer when I was printing out descriptions. It said, "Me casa is sou casa except for the animals."
Well, I hoped he would understand.

It was Thursday; the maid came. It was wonderful to have a human around. I didn't realize; I was lonely.
I had just looked at a few rentals, but "No, that's rented;" was a standard answer or else they wanted $500 dollars additional deposit per pet!
With six pets, I was still looking for a landlord.
Around two, I made a sandwich and the maid was cleaning the windows.
I said, "You are so good. You just don't stop."
"Well, I'll take my lunch break now, with you."
We sat and shared.
She left a husband years ago; he was sneaky and nasty. Her last day with him, he said, "Go look in the other room I got you a present."
And when she turned her back, out of the corner of her eye, she saw he had a butcher knife.
He yelled, "You're dead bitch!"
But her best friend heard her screaming. The friend threw herself in between the couple, and both women managed to talk him out of it.

So we are sitting there, and I'm thinking what a tremendous story, and she's just now climbing out of her socks.
"Working here has really helped my self esteem."

That's when my friend came home three days early.
He walked in screaming and jumping around and shouting "YOU HAVE ANIMALS IN THE HOUSE!"
Maybe the maid and I were both thinking about her ex, but I swear; I thought for sure; he could have knifed me.

So I called Glenn at work, and he said, "See if you can find a hotel."
I started packing all my stuff into the cars - pets first.
And my phone rang, and it was a landlord returning my call.
"Can you take possession tonight?"
Hallelujah! Thank you God! Gees, God you are Terrific!

I tried to apologize to our friend, but it didn't work. It was obvious to him; I was a poor planner, and I did it all on purpose. (Awe, gees.)
I drove to Albertsons and parked our panicky pets and what possessions I could shove in the car with them, in the shade.
As I walked up to the bank in the grocery store, I heard this weird woman sitting by the counter talking on a phone.
"So there's a detective, a plain clothes detective outside and he ripped the door off my car. (Pause) I'm sleeping in my car and it has all my possessions in it. (Pause) You know the terrorists? Well, yeah, I've got them and that's why the judge is trying to have me declared insane."
And it just sort of seemed to fit.

When I went to get the cashier's check I realized; I didn't have my atm card. I didn't have my checks either. I showed my driver's licenese to Beth, the really sweet teller, and told her that I found a place to live. She was thrilled and made me the cashier's check, so we could move in. She ordered me a new card.

I had three hours to kill; before, I could take possession, and a car full of furry folk.
I followed the directions, and drove around the new neighborhood. I stopped a guy getting luggage out of his car, and said, "This is going to sound strange but are there any places around here to take a dog for a walk?"
"Not strange at all. I have five dogs myself."
(God, this is getting scary; are you like, with me everywhere?)
The guy told me how to get to this great doggie park. It's enormous!
The dogs loved it. The cats closed their wide-open eyes and slept.

I got to the new place just in time to give the check to Danny, our new landlord. We dashed off to get the rest of our stuff at our friend's house.
I stopped to get a cooler because the new place had… No Fridge. (Remember those two fridges I got rid of?)

We slept on the doggie beds and a few ratty blankets piled on top. It was awful. And the dogs looked at us accusingly. The people across the back had a party that lasted till 4AM, and it was loud! We got maybe two hours sleep.
BUT!
The next day Glenn drove to work and it only took a half hour!
The first paycheck didn't come for two weeks, so we had no money to bring our furniture out of storage, but I did get a $50 dollar couch (left) at goodwill, a few chairs, a plates and an air mattress to tide us over.
We were in our new place.
Two floors, two walk in closets, porches off the kitchen and the bedroom, a fireplace, a nice back yard, close to Glenn's work and a built in bookcase in the living room!
I can tell we are going to be happy hear for a long time.