The newly weds landed in Los Angeles last week. My daughter, Renee and her new husband, Laurenz arrived from Austria, and I convinced them to come down here to LaLaLand to visit.

You wouldn't think that would kill me, would you. Sounds innocent enough.

"Oh, I'm so happy for you, gaining a son and all the trappings of the wedding," a friend told me.
Well, I missed the wedding - contrary to popular belief, webmastering is not millionaire work - But I didn't miss out on meeting my new son-in-law.

That sounds so weird - Son-in-law.
I'm just a baby. How can I have a SIL?
I'm not even 50 yet.
How could I be a dreaded whiney old Mother-in-law already?

Uh, not that there's anything wrong with being a MIL. I have loads of friends who are MILs.

I got my daughter to come down by saying "Sure, I can pick you up, no problem."

And that's where it started. Once you say, "No Problem," people think you actually mean it.
Now, I really didn't have a problem driving from LA to Santa Cruz to LA. I do it all the time. But the next day after we arrived at my home, they said, "Hey while we're here let's drive to Death Valley!"
I had never been to a desert.
I didn't need a horse with no name, and I hate heat.
I can't stand cold either for that matter, but I put up with it by having a nice fire, hot chocolate and a warm blanket or a husband wrapped around me.

Heat!
Heat is totally different.
There is nothing you can do about heat. You already are there, you can just mix in cold and it's better. Your body is already adjusted and dying a hot death. It is not anything like being cold.
(No, it's not!)

But I had never been to a desert, so I thought - can't be that bad, and it'll be a new experience I can check off my list.
Besides, I would get to know my daughter and her new husband better.
So I went to "Help with the driving."

On the way up (That's about 4 or 5 hours - I didn't drive at all.) we stopped at Darwin Falls. We stopped at Darwin's place because my other daughter, the intergrated biologist, had told the newlyweds that there were "frogs" and it was "really cool."
So Renee told me to "look for the pipe."
"Look for a what?"
"Jane said to look for a pipe in the road before it gets wiggly," the bride said.
"A pipe?" How scientific. What a perfect description. Here we were out in the middle of no where. Nothing around for miles but flat road and rocks and sand and we should look for a pipe? What - next to the cigarette?
And then we saw "A pipe," winding it's way around a cliff face.
So we jumped off the smooth surface of the dusty highway and drove down a dirt path rutted like an accordian following - A pipe.
"This Pipe sUppLies water tO the WhOle towN of (Here's where I forgot the name of the town.) Hey, This iS likeGetTing a baCk Rub!" Renee said.
"YeEeEeAaH!" I said lying.
Having my bones bounced all over the seat was not the equivalent of any massage I ever had.
"HOoW Longg do weEe have to drIve On ThIs RoAd?" I asked trying to sound nonchalant.
"It's nOt much FURther," she lied.
I rested my hand on the glass window. My GOD! It felt hot!
The road was jostling the car so much, I listened, but I couldn't tell if those were bolts coming loose and bouncing down the road. I kept getting images of our radiator overheating, and outside there was no shade to stand under, no trees, no overhanging rocks. The sun suddenly looked white hot, like in that old Twilight Zone episode when everyone dies from the heat.
Keep on the up beat side. I thought as I vibrated.

A bouncey hour later we arrived at a gate in front of which, was a sign "No Wading."
There was no water to be seen anywhere. Was it a joke?
"We should probably come here in the winter. When there is water," Renee said, "Get on your hiking boots Mom."
"What? Why?"
"We have to hike down the trail a ways to the falls. It's not far," she said.
Hiking boots! I bought my sneakers. Would they work?
Laurenz helped me put on my shoes since my legs were already uncooperative. This suceeded in making me feel like an old Cinderella and clearly not in shape for hiking. But I didn't want to look any worse in front of the new gallent SIL, so I hiked.

After about 5 minutes of walking in intense heat, I was breathing like a cat with a hairball. "Can I have some water?" I croaked. The inside of my mouth was like sandpaper.
I had a slug or two of water, careful not to spill any of the precious stuff. As I drank, I heard little conversations in my head.
"Why did they die?"
"They ran out of water. I guess they didn't bring enough. It's a real shame."

I shoved the scary images away and pushed the water bottle back at Laurenz.
"How long...do we have to (puff, puff) walk?" I asked.
"Oh, about an hour. Not much further," my daughter told me.
She didn't see my eyes bug out of their sockets.
An hour? How was I going to do this?
If I quit now, what? I couldn't wait in the car. It was blazing hot. Plus there might be water ahead. Water. WATER!
My knees had locked and my hips were in pain already. I felt like my body had turned into a piece of petrified wood.
But there was the bride and the SIL looking fresh and perky.
So I trudged five steps at a time. Step, Step, Step, Step, Step, STOP. Step Step...repeat forever with breaks for water every 15th step. Gees, this was fun.

But suddenly, after about only 50 stops for warm water, the landscape started to change. There were green things in the road. Little low bushes were appearing.
"Hey, look there's a round cactus!"
The PVC "pipe" curved around the side of a mountain, and we followed it.
As we turned the bend a site assailed my eyes that gave me the greatest happiness, the greatest joy, the pure and untouched feeling of being in God's hands...there was SHADE!

There were trees in that little green collection of bushes. There was a tiny stream in there. I stumbled over myself racing to get to it.
Ah, the relief that shade affords one.

But right before we were about to step into delectible darkness, Renee stopped dead in her tracks.
"Look at this guy."
I creeped up behind her and there perched on a rock was a desert lizard. He had a black ring around his neck that looked like a doggie collar. He was yellow and polkadotted. He was cute and bold as you please. He did not run away. I wasn't sure if the heat had addled his brains or if he was just brave, but he wasn't moving away.
We all passed within a hands breath of him.
"Thanks!" I said bowing to him.

And then there was SHADE!
Blessed shade.
I sat down in a little rock ledge and felt the difference in degrees. Then a breeze came wafting through the cottonwoods.
Now, while one hundred and ten does not sound cooler than a hot day in LA. It's a lot cooler than standing in the sun in a desert. Then, I got this idea. I'm not sure if I saw it on a rescue show or what, but I said in my hot and tired voice, "It would be great if I could soak my shirt in that stream and wear it."
Oh, God, did I just say that out loud? I'm shameless.
"Go ahead," Renee said and Laurenz turned his back.
What a gentleman. Or was he shielding his eyes from the horror?
So I pulled off my t-shirt, and Renee soaked it in the cold skinny trickle of water. I was so glad I wore my cute bra and not the one that's falling apart.

The cold was positvely wicked.
It was like experiencing a big win a slot machine. It was so good. And the breeze blew, and I felt icy for a few blissful seconds. It was like having Mel Gibson say, "Hey Babe, can I help you with that?"

Okay, maybe it wasn't that good, but it was COLD!

The newlyweds were itching to keep moving, so we left the perfectly shaped butt rock and the delicious shade to see Darwin fall.
Renee said it was "just a bit further."
At this point, I did not think that tiny lick of water at my feet was supported by a falls similar to Niagra, but I didn't want to lose any more Mother-in-law face. I felt like I had whined too much already.
I kept puffing and following the 20 something and 30 something up the continously rockier trail.
At least the trees became more regular.
But I was so tired. I was definetely way out of my league and element. I felt OLD!
Why couldn't I have shown them the delights of a Los Angeles? What was the matter with a game of scrabble?
Well, they would probably beat me at that too, but at least my back and hips wouldn't be in so much pain.
Then a sound like a car engine came from up ahead.
"What was that?" Renee asked.
"It'z a cougar," Laurenz said, but his eyes were laughing.
We rounded a rocky face and quail...A flock of quail rushed into the air and the sound echoed around the canyon.
"Cool!" Renee and I said.

The little stream got wider and we had to cross it. I was in the lead because I was the slowest. I didn't know which rock to try. Then, a tiny electric blue damselfly landed on a rock. So I took it as a sign. I put my foot out to step on the rock and the damselfly flew to the next rock. As I reached out my other foot, the damselfly took off. It lead me across the stream. Each time the rock it chose was secure. It felt magical like a Disney movie. I thought maybe she was related to tinkerbell.

But finally, I realized that after all this trekking I would have to turn around and go back.


That white space represents the concept of heat hitting my brain.

I stopped.
"I can't go anymore."
In my mind I heard myself say, "Leave me here, Save yourselves!"
And cyotes howled as vultures gathered to pick my bones.

"Come on. It's just a bit further," Renee coaxed.
I shook my head and bit my lip, "No."
So they went on as if it wasn't 110 degrees in the shade, leaping across rocks and scaling faces of sheer granite cliffs like real explorers. Just to see what was there.
While they were jumping off cliffs, I listened to bird calls in the shade. Then two beautiful red drangonflies came dancing before me in the air around my head. They were chasing each other and then...well...
they mated unabashedly right in front of my eyes. I...I couldn't turn away.
I didn't rent the movie, it was on when I got there!
It was very curious to see them well, bending and contorting while flying. Pretty amazing feat.
Afterwards, the little red head hid amongst the leaves. I think they were newlywed. He was looking all over for her; then, she raced out ahead of him, and he flew after her. I could almost hear their bug laughter.

Renee and Laurenz found an 80 foot high waterfall and came back to tell me about it.
"It's beautiful and cool."
(That was cruel)
"And dere's tad...poles and Birdz." Laurenz said in his Austrian Accent.
"It's just a little bit further. Come on! You can do it," my daughter tried to egg me on.
But I was on to her "Just a bit further" routine. I was going to drink possibly all the water in that bottle they bought and then trudge back to the car. Most of the way was going to be in the sun, so I soaked my shirt again.
Delicious.

I was dry as a bone when we reached the car.
"Thank God for air conditioning." I gasped as we started the car up for the bumpy massage back to the highway.

"Well, now we're off to the desert," Renee said.
"That wasn't the desert?" I squeaked.
They both laughed.
"Oh, no, that wasn't Death Valley. It's Hot in Death Valley."

I think that's were I began to weep dry tears. I also realized that I was not one of these alien type beings who had possessed my daughter and her new husband. How could she be my child and love this kind of hell? I'm not sure if it was the heat or the fact that I was tired, but my whine factor increased 100 fold. I had become the dreaded whiney old Mother-in-law you all have heard of.

Why did I name this column the My Untimely Demise? Because I think I actually died in Death Valley.
The kids are fine. They enjoyed soaking up the "warmth."
Hearing 130 degrees being called "Warmth," is slightly better than hearing the waitress in the cafe in Death Valley say, "This is the coldest summer we've ever had in Death Valley. We are just loving it."
I'm sure I died in that "cold," and I was so young.
I died, but it wasn't my time.

So I was miraculously reconstitued when they applied a coke with ice to my parched lips after we left Death Valley in nice normal 90 degree weather.

Okay, okay, the lizard was cool and the dragonflies and the quail, but I still would not go near the earthly Hades agian until the thermometer over the store in Death Valley reads LESS than 90 degrees.

Send ice and cold cokes to Carol Wood at Carol@hazelst.com And tell her your escape the heat tip.

Uh, other cool stuff happened, like crows sitting on a pole outside the store breathing hard, shouting echoes in the canyon and scaring a rabbit, meeting people from Switzerland, Italy, Poland and Germany, Bats over the pool at the hotel where water is either Hot or HOTTEST! But I couldn't fit it.