I'm Jazzed!

At first I wasn't.
I woke up and didn't get a perfect birthday buzz.
" Hi Honey, here's your present," said in a very sexy deep voice is my preferred birthday greeting.
I got a peck on the cheek, which woke me up and a "Gotta go."

"Didn't you forget something?" I asked my husband, Glenn.
He smiled and came back and gave me a better kiss.
" It's my birthday," I whispered.
Glenn's eyes flashed white, and then he said, "I'll see you tonight."

He forgot.

Somehow this is bad. I'm not sure how having someone forget that you are now one year closer to forgetting your age, your name and where you live is bad, but it is.
After he left, I went downstairs to see if I got any birthday emails. I mean, I had signed up with the momwriters birthday list. I should have gotten a dozen e-cards.
Nothing.
Nada.
No friends.
No greetings.
I checked the database and my birthday wasn't even on the calendar.
I sank.
You know that kind of sinking feeling you get when you want something really bad and it doesn't happen?
It sort of feels like you ate a bowl of mud?

But wait, my cell phone showed that one of my dear friends had called me.
I hit the redial, and she picked up almost instantly.
" Hi, this is Carol. You called?"
" Oh, did I wake you, no, that was a mistake, sorry. Go back to sleep." Click.
Oh, man. The mud in my stomach turned to quicksand, and it was pulling me down.
She never forgets anything. Not her. Not that friend.
Am I so...Unmemorable?
I started to think about the old slashing the wrist routine and how to do it correctly.
I started to cry.

Not a single person remembered me? Am I that horrible? My kids, well, that's understandable. They aren't that fond of me since I left their dad. I don't expect them to remember me anymore, but my husband and my true friends?
Big tears splashed down my face. I was choking on sobs.
" I need breakfast," I said to no one.
I went upstairs and found my kitchen littered with the dishes from the night before.
" Whatcha do on your birthday? Oh, the dishes," I said to the sink.
Then I threw myself against the counter and wretched sobs like Betty Davis.
This wasn't the way birthdays were supposed to go. I had friends. I had family.
I had to eat.
That's probably where all this sobbing was coming from, lack of nutrition.
There was only one egg in the fridge. No milk. No bacon. We were out of coffee. What a birthday treat.
As I was eating my scrambled single egg and burnt toast, I heard the little trumpet that announces when an email has arrived on the computer back downstairs.

It was from my dad, "Hi Honey, happy birthday. Did you get our card?"
That's right. They sent me a card. Well, of course, they sent it 3 weeks ago. My mom gets these cards from religious organizations and writes her name and sends a check every holiday and birthday. She never forgets. It's not that I don't appreciate it. I always like money, fits any occasion, but it's not very personal, you know? At least they remembered me being born. This is where my mother would say she couldn’t forget. “And then I slipped on the turkey grease and went plop, ass over teacups.”

So I threw myself into my work and sniffed and wept my way through the day. All 5 pets crowded around me looking worried.
I could hear their pet thoughts, "Ma's crying."
Lionel, my pit bull, nudged Sparky, my cat, "You go pet her Sparky, she always likes it when you pet her."
Sparky stuck out a tentative paw and tapped my arm, "mupmrowr?"

Then around 4:30 my son called.
"Hello, iz diz de Birsday Girlz I am callink?" he says in a thick German accent.
I burst into tears, I was so happy. He remembered me. I'm not so bad. My son likes me!
"Gees, Mom, are you okay?"
"It's just that, everybody forgot, and I thought, I thought… I was a bad mom."
"Oh, Mommy. That's just not true."
"Well…sniff, that's better than a present."
"I never get you presents. Do I."
"I didn't get you a Christmas present either. Or your birthday. I’m terrible."
"You remembered Christmas, you got me the car mats, remember?"
"Okay, some day buy me a big hunkie diamond to make up for all the gifts you never sent me."
"Okay," he laughed.
By the time he had said, "I love you, Mom," and hung up. All the mud in my stomach had turned into golden light.
I felt simply glowing.

Then it happened. The dam broke. I started getting emails one after another, "Happy birthday, Carol"
"Happy day, Birthday Girl."
"You're older than me, naa, naaa."
My friends were emailing me!
The phone rang. It was my sister, Janie.
"Happy Birthday, Ca."
"Oh, Janie, that is so nice. I didn't think anyone remembered."
"Hey, you are definitely memorable."
"Yeah, but is it like when you pull out a needle and say, that pain, now that it's gone? I'll remember it forever?"
"CA! NO! Well, you know with the way things are...I'm a little off. I just finished 4, 12 hour shifts. I'm not even talking co- coherently."
"Man."
"Yeah, you got a gift comin' in the send...See? Uh, I'm the send, no...I'm the mail, No, no."
I laughed, "Do you want a cheese steak?"
"Oh, God, Carol," Jane cracks up, "Cheese steak, no, no, I want a ...cheese steak, no, no....I want a... cheese steak, no, no."
Now, I'm laughing over the old joke so hard, I have to flick away tears poring down my cheeks.
"What was it she wanted?"
"A rib eye with mashed potatoes."
"We're all like that," I shout into the phone; "We all do that. Peggy too!"
"Oh, God," Janie said, "Mommy was so funny. And the guy standing there says, 'Maybe you want to step to the side and think about it for a bit?' and he's looking at her like she is about to be picked up by the guys in white coats. She will never live it down."
We giggled and joked for a bit.
"Ah, Jane, everyone forgot. Glenn forgot, my kids, well, Paulie called. I feel like such a whiner."
"You are not a whiner. I am thinking you are an adorable little girl in a red coat and white hat. Do you remember? You are about three feet tall. And you are looking up at me so happy."
"Wasn't that a hand me down?"
"No, that was brand new. We all got white hats, and Peggy and I got the blue coats that Easter, but you got the red one. Remember? You were so… satisfied," she paused.
I do remember how it felt, the fabric was so new. It felt almost silky. I remember hugging my arms and sliding my fingers up and down the sleeve.
"Hey, something will arrive in the mail this week, little-girl-in-the-red-coat."
"Oh, you didn't have to."

As I hung up, Glenn called and I asked, "Can we go out for dinner?"
While I waited for an answer, I stared at the giant pile of wash that was precariously balanced on top of the full laundry basket. Dishes, okay, yes, but I did not want to do wash for my birthday.
"Next weekend," he said.
Then he listened to my long silence where I held back the "YOU FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY! YOU RAT BASTARD!"
Before I could let it out, he said, "Or tonight...Think of where you want to go. I'm comin' home."
Yipppeee! My heart leapt and did summersaults.

We drove to that Mexican place where "I saw a yellow sign on Lankershim, last week, I'm sure." We passed a place with a purple sign, "No that's not it," and as we drove by that comedy place, my sister Peggy called.
"Happy Birthday, Ca."
"Oh, Peggy, I thought everyone forgot."
"Oh, no Ca, there's a present coming in the mail for you this week. I just didn't get the package off."
Mentally I figured I should get it by February or March. She is the best procrastinator in the family.
"Are you sending me your daughter? She wants to come this summer you know."
"I heard you two were cooking up something like that."
"You know there's room for her mom here too."
"Oooh, now that's a thought," Peggy said.
My sister Peggy who spent my whole childhood regaling me with stories of adventure and travel has never left our home town. Well, she moved one state over to New Jersey, but she's still works in Philly. Maybe this time she will come.
Excuse me while I just hold my breath.
Yeah.

The Mexican place with the white sign "Why did I think it was yellow?" was closed, so we went across the street to the yellow sign and got the best Philly Cheesesteaks I've had in awhile. Seemed appropriate. The guy in the store recognized my accent as I ordered, "Yeah, I want a cheese steak."
As I was eating, he leaned across the counter and asked me, "You are from Philadelphia, Yes? How does it taste? Authentic?"
"Best I've had in a long while."
He fell back on his heels, chest puffed out with a satisfied grin on his face.
"I learn in Philly. I have pictures."
The air was cold on my legs and the chairs were hard. I pulled my jacket close around me, shivered and smiled as I ate my perfect birthday feast.

On the way home we drove by the comedy place "HaHa's" again and Glenn parked. "Look, no cover charge," Glenn said smiling at me.
My birthday celebration wasn't over. He took my hand in his as we walked in. A waiter whose hair made me think he stuck his finger in a plug socket walked up and took our order, two Irish coffees. My hands were cold. The cup felt warm. The MC stood at the mic heating up the sleepy crowd with quick jabs to our funny bones. Then a series of comics took the stage one after another about 20 in all. They'd come on and off and joke or choke so quickly we could hardly remember them.
" What do you do for a living?" one comic asked two women sitting in front row seats.
They didn't reply. The audience stared at them. The one on the right had enormous breasts and a tight t-shirt. The one on the left had a feathery scarf like a boa. They looked like they worked nights and had come in to avoid the cooling temperatures.
"You don't want to say what you do? Okay."
"I'm a Teacher!" the girl with the mammaries blurted out.
Oh yeah. That's what we all were thinking.
"Do you give private lessons?" he asked and moved on, "Any birthdays out there tonight?"
Glenn raised my hand.

The next comic walked on stage and announced, "Did you know that pigs have 30 minute orgasms?"
And then right there without thinking I shouted, "Man! I'M FOUR PIGS?"
The whole place cracked up.
"Is that the birthday girl? What do you want for your birthday?" he asked.
"I want to get laid!"
Everyone cracked up again.
"Well, I've never had such a nice offer," he said right back at me as he undid his belt then he exited as we're all bent double.

By the time the last comic climbed on stage there was only six of us left in the audience and Glenn and I were leaving. It was Monday and it was after midnight. Everyone had to get up in the morning. The comic started jabbing at us with jokes, "Hey, make me feel more comfortable and stand there will ya?"
Glenn sat down again, and I began shouting back and forth with the comic.
"Oh, that's just great. The only four - six guys here."
"Hey, I'm not a guy."
"Great, only one woman," he sulks.
"And she's taken."
"Only one woman left, and she's ugly."
It was like my own personal birthday torching.

I had to wipe tears away when we left. He was funny. It was fun.

It was a great birthday.
And yes, I did get my birthday present.
Oh Yeah.

I'm completely Jazzed.

Just thought I'd keep you updated.
Just keeping you abreast of my sit-chee-ation.

That’s the latest from La La Land.

Now, fine folks, your job if you choose to accept it is to email Carol Wood at Carol@hazelst.com And tell her to be brave!

(Can't you just hear the Mission Impossible music?)