I get over a hundred calls a week.. They are all for Ron Miller. I answer Ron Miller's phone for him. He doesn't know it, but I don't have a choice.

Databases are amazing pieces of technology. I know, I used to be a "Database Cleaner."
Most of the databases out there that have phone numbers attached to customers, don't get cleaned regularly, which means when person X (Xavier) moves and person Y (Yolanda) gets their old number, you get a situation like I am in. And when Xavier either owes money or has money, which I think is Ron's problem, they get calls at the number that now belongs toYolanda (that's me. Well, really, it's not me, but it could be me. Maybe you should think of me as customer Y.).

The mortgage companies of America want your money, Ron. They keep calling and calling. I tell them, "I'm not Ron Miller. No, I'm not his wife. No he won't be back. What number did you call? Yes, that is this number. No, you can not speak to a home owner."
I wish I was a home owner like Ron. I'm not.
These people who call are really anxious for Mr. Miller's money. They always tell me they will call back. They don't believe me. I tell them the truth and they refuse to believe me. At first I thought it was some new ploy to find out what my name was.
"Hello? Is this Ron Miller?"
"No."
"Well, can I speak to him?"
"No."
"Well, who am I talking to?"
Aha!

But they keep calling back asking the same questions. Sometimes, I get calls repeatedly every 5 minutes. I have begun to wonder if I have been placed on some kind of Customer Service Agent hit list.
"Before you become a Ronko Telemarketer, you must first call this number and get the woman on the other end to say her name."
"This isn't Ron?"
"No."
"Well, can you tell me your name?"
"Amy Watsonburghengisheinerblitz."
"Can you spell it?"
"Yes, I-T."
Ha, Ha, Ha! I'll never talk never!

It doesn't seem to matter what I do, they continue to call back.

I've started saying "Yes, this is Ron.""
Yesterday when the gentleman on the other end of the line said, "Would you like to hear about our Mortgage rates?"
I said, "Yes!"
Then I told him "My Uncle pays for all of my bills. He bought me this house."
"Well, ma'am, do you have any refinancing needs? Do you need some quick cash?"
Ma'am? My name is Ron, but he still thinks I'm a woman? Is he looking in the window? God, I talk like a girly man. "No, no, my uncle pays for everything."
"Well, thank you Ron, good bye."

I finally got one to hang up. Maybe he won't call back!

Months ago, I changed the message on my voicemail to say, "Hello, you have reached Carol and Glenn Wood of Hazel Street Productions." People listen to that and leave messages.
"This message is for Ron Miller..." is how they start.
They just won't take no for an answer!
Maybe I should record, "And there is no Ron Miller here."

Today, about the fifth call I got was yet again for Ron. I decided to try the "Yes, this is Ron," approach.
"This is Ron?" she responded.
"Yes."
"Well, I'm from the bank of America and I'm calling about your car, your Mercedes?"
Oops, umm, think fast.
"Uh, this really isn't Ron."
"This isn't Ron?"
"No. I am just tired of answering calls for Ron Miller so I um, well, I say I am Ron so people will hang up."
"Well it's really funny that I got this number from information."
"Well, your database probably hasn't been scrubbed since April, when I got the phone number."
"And this isn't Ron?" her voice had a bounce in it like she was tossing a stone with her tongue. She didn't believe me. "First you say, you are Ron, and now you aren't. Well, it's very queer because I got this number from the 411 information. You really are misrepresenting yourself legally, you know."
Ooooh.
I didn't mention that she gave me personal info about Ron's Mercedes just because I said I was him. She never verified it was me, uh Ron, and now she was telling me Ron was Queer. Pretty intimate knowledge. (Not that there's anything wrong with that. If customer Xavier wants to date customer Zed, why should customer Y care?) Bank representatives really shouldn't discuss people's personal business. She'll call back. She's sure I'm Ron.

I called information. SBC the phone company for the Pacific, said I am the only listing with that number. I called Verizon. They said that I'm the only person with that number. So what can I do?

Well, information gave me this number 800-257-2969 to call and report my weird calls too. Maybe they can do something about it. Meanwhile, I can still have fun.

Excuse me, the phone is ringing.
"Hello, yes, this is Ron, can you wait a moment? I just have to get the cat out of the garbage disposal." (Loud grinding noise and cat screeching,) "DAMN! I'll be with you in just a moment. Just hold on."

Oh, and if anyone knows Ron Miller in Los Angeles? Tell him to call his old number and pick up his messages.

That's the lastest from LaLa land.
(No animals were damaged in the making of this column.)

Email your comments to Carol Wood at Carol@hazelst.com