“Hello, and welcome to the premiere of ‘Looking For the Happy Ending,’ Fairy Tale Land’s newest talk show. I’m your hostess, Tanya Tellall. Some of you may recognize me as a former columnist for the Daily Blab. I’m glad to be here with you, and I hope you enjoy our show.

Our first guest is a well-known princess. For anonymity her face has been disguised and her voice altered. She asks us to call her Sadie.

The princess was in love with a frog, a real everyday frog. Her parents walked in on them necking, and she quickly made up a story to cover their secret love. The frog was really a prince she said, who’d had a curse put on him by an evil witch, and she’d been told a kiss would restore him to his princely form.

Word got around the village and the myth began. Since then, princesses everywhere have been trying to turn frogs into princes.

"What became of this ill-fated couple? Although the parents tried to separate them, they ran off and married in a village with looser marriage license laws. Ten years and thirteen children later, she left him with the kids, changed her name and ran off with The Cat Who Fiddled, who is sitting to her left.

Sadie and Cat formed a band, and now they play in parks and subway stations all over New York City. Cat dreams of stardom, but Sadie says she wants to be reunited with her children and rekindle her relationship with the frog, who now owns a lily pad farm in Michigan.

Let’s get a little background. Sadie, first of all, how does a frog attract a Princess, especially one as lovely as you?”

“Well, Tanya, Fergus, my ex, is very talented.”

“What kind of talent does he have?”

Sadie smiles at Tanya, then at the audience. “Have you ever seen how long a frog’s tongue is?”

Several women in the audience gasp.

“I nicknamed him ‘Frenchie,’” continues Sadie, blushing slightly, “and not because of his legs.”

At this, the audience bursts into laughter. Tanya shushes them. “Well, let’s ask Fergus to come out and give his side of the story. Come on out, Fergus.”

At this point Cat, who has been picking lint from his tail distractedly, sits up in his chair, hissing in the frog’s direction as he hops onto the stage. Glaring at Sadie, he mutters, “Did you know about this?”

Sadie simply shrugs her shoulders, a guilty smile on her lips. Fergus sits down in a chair to Sadie’s right. Taking her right hand, he raises it to his lips for a light kiss. Several people in the audience hoot loudly.

“Fergus,” asks Tanya, “I understand you’ve been in contact with Sadie, and you two are considering getting back together. Do you think you could make a go of it again?”

“Yes, Tanya,” replies Fergus, “Sadie and I have been e-mailing each other for several months, and I think she’s serious this time around.” He pauses to flick his tongue, drawing a fly buzzing near his hand into his mouth. A woman in the audience lets out a squeal. “You see,” he continues, “Sadie had a small problem with fidelity, but she’s assured me she’s changed.”

“Then why,” hisses Cat, baring his teeth in Sadie’s direction, “was she secretly e-mailing you? That’s not very trustworthy.” Taking a calming breath, he regains his composure. “But I forgive you, dear, and after last night, I know you don’t really want to leave me.” Smiling, he licks his paw and strokes his whiskers proudly.

Sadie covers her face, and Fergus looks puzzled. “What are you talking about?” he demands of Cat.

“I think we can clear this up,” Tanya interjects. “Sadie led you to believe that she was ready to leave Cat, but here’s film we took secretly at the hotel last night.” Everyone turns to look at the monitor. “There’s Sadie sneaking out of her room at eleven o’clock, and then here she is meeting Fergus in the bar. If we cut to the hallway outside his room an hour later, Sadie’s leaving, adjusting her clothing. Sadie and Cat each had their own room, but here we see Cat entering Sadie’s room at two o’clock, and leaving at four-thirty. It looks like Sadie had a busy night.”

Cat leaps to his feet, claws extended. Fergus hops to his right, avoiding Cat’s paw as it flies past. Cat is about to strike again when two burly bulldogs in staff shirts restrain him. Fergus is obviously agitated, hopping back and forth from one foot to the other. Cat hisses loudly. Sadie retreats to safety behind the chairs. “Stop, stop!” she cries out, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I can’t stand it! I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“Oh, come now, Sadie,” purrs Tanya, waving her hand. “It’s obvious you’re toying with these men, who both seem to care deeply about you. But there’s someone else, isn’t there?” Seeing the horror on Sadie’s face, Tanya grimaces. “You didn’t think we’d find out, did you? Ladies and gentlemen, meet the third man in Sadie’s life, Brando. Come out, please, Brando.”

Onto the stage saunters a man obviously a decade younger than Sadie, clad in tight leather pants and vest. His muscular chest is bare. He wears several heavy chains on his wrists and a single silver earring. He pulls Sadie to him, giving her a big, hard kiss.

Both Fergus and Cat stare in disbelief as Sadie snuggles against Brando. “Tell us how you two met,” suggests Tanya.

Looking into Brando’s eyes, Sadie smiles dreamily. “I’ve been doing a little interior decorating in my spare time, and I went to meet with a new client, The Old Woman Who Lives in a Shoe. Brando was sitting on his Harley in front of her house, and she introduced us.”

“And how does she know Brando?” asks Tanya.

“He’s her son,” replies Sadie, eliciting gasps from the audience.

Tanya turns to the audience, a bemused expression on her face. “This is getting interesting, isn’t it? We’ll bring The Old Woman out to see what she thinks of this love match after this word from one of our sponsors, Acme Fairy Dust.”

As the camera cuts to the Tooth Fairy for the commercial, Cat and Fergus are heard shouting profanities at Sadie.

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And now back to our program…

© 2004