As we return to our show, Brando is placing the last of the items he stole from the Sleepy Time Inn into a crate on a dolly; a staff member wheels the dolly through the curtains, and Brando says, “I’ll take them back.” Some audience members applaud his contrite attitude.

Tanya Tellall is comparing shoes with Sadie and Old Woman. The director, who is standing next to a cameraman, hisses, “Pssst, Tanya! We’re back.”

Tanya looks up. “Before the break we heard about Brando’s errant past stealing from his family, and we caught him stealing from the very hotel where we place our guests. Perhaps being caught in the act has spurred an awakening, because he’s vowed to his mother to go to a well-known monastery to get straight, and Sadie is willing to wait for him.” Sadie and Brando are holding hands and gazing into one another’s eyes.

“Following the adage ‘strike while the iron is hot,’ we’ve invited Jack and Hortense Sprat and their son Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater to be here. When Brando was younger he enticed Peter, Peter into joining him in an act of vandalism at the private school they were both attending. The Sprats say this trouble has followed Peter, Peter, causing him a lifetime of grief. Let’s welcome the Sprat family, everyone.”

As the Sprats enter, cries of “ooh” and “aah” are heard, and some audience members applaud. Hortense Sprat, who is renowned for not being able to eat lean, is amazingly slender. She smiles, knowing the reaction is for her. Everyone on the stage gives her an approving nod; Cat gives her a sly wink.

“Welcome Jack and Hortense,” says Tanya, “and your son Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater. You’ve been watching the show from the green room, so you saw Brando’s turnaround. We’ve heard how he got Peter, Peter in trouble when they were in school together at Bear Mitzvah Academy. What do you have to say?”

Jack Sprat clears his throat. “Our son,” he begins, “was a shy boy with few friends. He admired Brando’s self-confidence and began hanging around him. My wife and I thought the friendship would help get Peter, Peter out of his shell. We had no idea Brando would be a bad influence on him. Peter, Peter skipped classes, his grades fell, his attitude deteriorated. Our son had never been in any kind of trouble, but he told us that Brando bullied him into participating in vandalizing the school library. We went into debt paying for the damages, and the only place that would take him after that, Parkem Here School, was twice the cost, and not nearly as good. And we’ve never heard so much as an ‘I’m sorry’ from Brando or his mother.”

Brando’s face is passive as he looks at Peter, Peter and Peter, Peter looks at him sheepishly. He turns to his parents and in a meek voice says, “It wasn’t him.”

“What?” says Jack Sprat.

“What?” says Hortense Sprat.

“What?” says Tanya..

“What?” says the audience.

Peter, Peter turns to Brando again. “Brando, I’m sorry I let you take the blame all these years. It wasn’t you. It was… It was…” Peter, Peter swivels and points to his parents. “THEM!”

Everyone gasps. Brando smiles. Old Lady smiles at Brando. Tanya’s mouth hangs open. The audience is wide-eyed and silent. The Sprats look horrified.

“It was you!” rages Peter, Peter. “You had to give me such a stupid name. Peter, Peter. Wasn’t one Peter enough? Everyone teased me. I had nobody to talk to, and I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

Hortense sputters, “But, but, both your grandfathers were named Peter. We wanted to honor them both!”

“Believe me, Mother, once would’ve been enough. And just because I liked pumpkin as a kid, you changed my last name! Kids calling me ‘Peter-Peter’ was bad enough, but shortening it to ‘Peter Eater’ was humiliating. Why did you do that Dad?”

The audience gasps. Jack blushes. “You were just a kid. I thought it was cute. I didn’t think you’d mind.”

Peter, Peter’s face is deep red. “Are you kidding? Why do you think I had no friends? No dates until I was twenty-three? I’ve had six marriages, all failed. And no kids. No kids, Dad, do you get it?” He slumps back in his chair, seemingly out of wind. “That’s why I’m suing you both,” he says quietly.

The audience gasps again. Tanya cries, “What? You’re suing your parents?”

“Yes, they’ve ruined my life and made me a laughingstock in the community. I’ve consulted with an attorney, and in the process found a woman to share my pain with. She’s been loyal and understanding and I do love her.” Peter, Peter gazes further down the stage. “Come sit by me, dear.”

Everyone’s eyes turn to Sadie, but she doesn’t move. Slowly, Old Woman stands, cheeks blushing, and walks over to Peter, Peter. Brando laughs, making a ‘thumbs up’ sign to his mother. Jack Sprat starts to say something, but is distracted by Hortense, who faints across his lap. He grabs her to keep her from falling to the floor. Cat takes a glass of water from a staff member and kneels next to Hortense. He splashes water on her face in an attempt to revive her. Jack looks puzzled, takes the glass from Cat, and in a half-whisper hisses, “Scat!”

Cat looks startled and slinks back to his chair. Fergus leans towards him and asks, “What did you…?” A sudden look from Tanya silences him. Cat shrugs.

Meanwhile, Old Lady and Peter, Peter sit down, sharing a chair. “We met,” continues Peter, “at my attorney’s office. My attorney, Eugene, is Old Woman’s nephew. I was so upset when we met, she invited me home for coffee and pumpkin torte. A sweet, understanding woman and a pumpkin dessert – I was hooked. We’re planning on opening the B&B together, and her pumpkin torte will be our specialty. We’ve already met with a wonderful real estate developer, B.B. Wolf, to help us build an entire complex: B&B, gift shop, bake shop, shoe repair shop, and restaurant. As a matter of fact, he’s here in the front row.”

Tanya asks B.B. to stand. “How far along are the plans for this complex, Mr. Wolf?”

“Well, Old Woman needs to have her children move out first, of course. She, Peter, Peter and I have had a planning meeting, and I’ve met with Peter, Peter alone several times to go over, ahem, financial details. I’ve lined up several investors, but some legal matters have taken up a lot of my time lately.”

Tanya looks from B.B. to Peter, Peter and back again. “You look familiar, Mr. Wolf. Have I heard something about your ‘legal matters,’ perhaps? Wolf. B.B. Wolf. Aha! I have it! You’re in trouble over building code violations on some properties, and involved in a lawsuit against the Porker Brothers, Bacon, Paddy and Linc. They’re wealthy businessmen, supposedly making all their money from distributing nature films, but it’s rumored that their real money comes from something shady. Am I correct, B.B.? You’ve been in the papers quite a bit lately.”

B.B. Wolf scowls at Tanya. “My attorney, Eugene, has advised that I not speak to the media regarding my current case. I will only say that my tenants, the Porker Brothers, made unapproved modifications on their rental units, and the resulting damages occurred when I went to serve them with Cease and Desist Orders. I am suing them for damages and slander. I know nothing about their personal or professional lives.” He gives Tanya a stern look.

“I will however,” he said, his tone changing, “state in front of everyone that I don’t think Peter, Peter belongs with Old Woman. He thinks he needs an older woman to care for him, but what he really needs,” he says, taking a step towards Peter, Peter “is an older man. I love you, Peter, Peter, and I know if you look inside yourself, you’ll find you love me, too.”

The picture goes dark.

Screaming and the sounds of a scuffle are heard. Old Woman’s voice shouts, “Oy, gevalt!” Fergus is croaking wildly. Jack Sprat is heard cursing. Cat lets out a loud screech. Staff people are shouting.

Over it all, the voice of Tanya Tellall is heard moaning, “Cut to a damn commercial, already!” The camera cuts to Old King Cole, who is seen hurrying in front of the camera.

“What? Already? Okay - Hi, you all know me. And you know me as a ‘Merry Old Soul,’ but that was after my doctor prescribed Magic Beans.

My moods were all over the map, but Magic Beans centered me. I now remain calm, even when nobody brings me my damn pipe and bowl! Oh, sorry. Really, I’m much calmer now, and don’t mind at all when my fiddlers three play the same insipid tunes over and over and over. I only ask that they learn something else. The Carpenters, maybe, or Elvis. A little Bee Gees. The Kinks. Is that too much to ask for? I don’t think so! All I ask for is some variety, and those dumbkoffs can’t seem to get it through their thick heads! I want variety! I want Folk and Rock ‘n Roll! I want Acid Rock! I want it all!! No, don’t cut away!! Listen to me! Take the Beans…take the Magic Beans!”

And now back to our program…

© 2004