Are you one of the millions they set up to fail each time the calendar page turns to January 1st? It's their job to make us all as perfect as they are -- or think they are. The miracle diet-of-the-moment and the newest exercise expert, along with their own version of The Rack, bombard our guilt cells with an attitude attack. They promise perfection and happiness at the end of the rainbow.

STOP! Don't take their challenge!

Let me tell you the truth about losing a lot of weight. If you tend to get queasy, please turn away now. I can't be held responsible for any medical aid required.

Kirstie Alley crowed on her weight loss plan commercials that she lost the equivalent of a small child. Well, so far I've lost him – and his little dog, too! Friends bathe me with praise, telling me how good I look, and how wonderful I must feel, now that I'm in such good shape. Shape. There's that word. An elusive, confusing, even deceptive word. What do they know about my current shape, really? Nothing. Clothing masks many evils.

Like other people with weight problems, I avoided full length mirrors. As the pounds fell away, I noticed in my bathroom mirror that the skin under my upper arms was looking, well, loose. Soft. Doughy. Okay, I'll say it. With enough momentum, my arms could capsize ships at sea.

My view of this flapping skin was limited, and I did my best to keep up the illusion. If I didn't see it, it didn't exist. Then I made a crucial error. I was searching the depths of my closet for smaller pants to wear. At the time it felt like a triumph. But as I prepared to try them on, I caught sight of my thighs in the enemy mirror . I turned to see who was behind me. There was only me, gasping at the sight. This couldn't be! The back of my thighs looked like elephant skin, puckered and loose. Gathering my nerve I examined my arms, backside, and neck. Loose, loose, loose!

Hello? Where's the manager? I have a complaint . Someone took off with my well-fitting suit and made a switch when I wasn't looking, leaving me with a saggy, baggy replacement. It's fraud! I want my original suit returned immediately . I waited expectantly, but nothing happened, so I took matters into my own hands.

I spent days on the internet, researching medical trial results, personal endorsements, government warnings and manufacturer's specs. At last I made my choice and placed an order. Afraid to waste another day, I requested next day delivery, although it tripled the price. This was an emergency!

When the package arrived I locked myself away with my purchase, the instruction manual and the enemy – the full length mirror. It was time to do battle. I summoned all my stamina and pure stubbornness. I struggled. I twisted. My body glistened with sweat. My muscles ached, my fingers twitched. At last, I was the victor, at last able to smile at my image.

I searched my face, neck, arms, breasts, belly, and legs. Nothing sagged or puckered! True to the claims, the product was miraculously unnoticeable. When I was dressed, I smiled at the newly sleek version of myself. Nobody will know. Nobody will ever know, and all it took was twenty industrial strength rubber bands.

Cara Alson 1/06