As the camera pans we find staff members returning order to the stage, with help from Brando and Cat. They are picking up chairs that have been scattered and turned over on their sides. Tanya Tellall, a strained look on her face, is trying to console Old Woman, who is visibly shaken.

Peter, Peter and B.B. Wolf are standing face-to-face next to the stage. A smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, Peter, Peter looks dazed. B.B. is talking animatedly in hushed tones, and Peter, Peter nods periodically.

A nervous Fergus is hopping on and off the stage. Sadie and Jack Sprat stand to the side, comforting Hortense, who looks pale and confused. The director asks everyone to return to their seats and gives Tanya her cue.

“Welcome back. We’re sorry for the interruption, caused by technical difficulties.” A few audience members snicker, prompting a scathing look from Tanya. The audience falls silent. “Before we stopped – I mean lost transmission, Peter, Peter…”

He gives Tanya a pleading look.

“Sorry, Peter” she says. “He confronted his parents, Jack and Hortense Sprat, about the trauma his unusual name has caused him. In fact, he’s planning to sue them. Peter has also confessed that Brando was not at fault for the vandalism at their private school, and has made amends with him.”

The audience applauds.

“Then real estate developer B.B. Wolf professed his love for Peter, a shock to everyone, I believe.” Several audience members are nodding their heads, and others are whispering to each other. “Peter, what have you got to say to B.B.? And what about your plans with Old Woman for the B&B complex and a life together?”

“I’m not sure,” Peter says. “I haven’t had time to absorb everything. I really care for Old Woman,” he says, looking over to where she sits next to Sadie. “But I am strangely attracted to B.B.,” he adds, looking shyly at B.B. Wolf where he is sitting in the front row.

“Old Lady, how do you feel about Peter’s reaction to B.B.’s revelation?”

“Peter is a sweet, caring young man, and I only want him to be happy,” she says, obviously holding back tears. “If he thinks he wants to explore a relationship with B.B., he has my blessing – and my friendship.”

Everyone applauds, and Sadie puts her arm around Old Woman’s shoulders.

Old Woman smiles, clears her throat and continues. “I also want to apologize to my son Brandon for blaming him all these years for the vandalism. I’m sure that started his acts of rebellion. I wish I’d listened.”

Tanya gives Old Woman a sympathetic smile. “What about the plans for the B&B complex? What if you and Peter don’t stay together?”

“The project will go forward, whether we’re together or not. Maybe instead of getting my kids out, I should make more of an effort to include them in the plans, giving them some responsibilities.”

Tanya turns to B.B. “Well, you caused some excitement here today. Do you have any final thoughts?”

Pausing to reflect, he responds, “I’m sorry, I hadn’t meant to express my feelings for Peter publicly, but I’m glad to finally get them off my chest. I won’t pressure him, and whatever he decides, I hope we can all be friends.”

The audience applauds enthusiastically.

“Peter, how are you feeling about the conflict with your parents? Do you think legal action is the best solution?”

Peter shakes his head and glances over at Jack and Hortense, who look hopeful. “Peter, your mother and I are deeply sorry for what we’ve put you through. We had no idea, really. Do you think we could try to work things out, maybe with a counselor?”

“I’m willing,” says Peter.

“Maybe we can discuss other family problems, too,” says Jack.

“And what would that be?” asks Tanya.

“Infidelity.”

The audience gasps.

Jack gives Hortense a long, hard look, and she seems ready to wilt. “I’ve tried for years to get her to change her way of eating with no success. Then suddenly ten months ago she tosses out all the fat, and eats nothing but lean. I know she’s not doing it for me. I didn’t know who it was, but now I think I do. After returning home after a night out bowling I found strange hairs on my favorite chair. Today I think I saw those hairs again. YOU!” he shouts, turning to Cat.

At the outburst Cat twitches and jumps, the hair on his back standing on end. Hortense starts to swoon.

Jack, his voice as cold as ice water, tells her, “Forget the act, WHORE-tense. The lecherous Cat is out of the bag!”

Hortense stiffens, regaining her composure. Cat smiles, licking his paw and scratching behind his ear. Sadie looks shocked, then shoots Cat a look of disgust.

“All right, Jack, it’s true, but my fling with Cat was over months ago, I swear. I realized that you are the only man for me. I’ll do anything to regain your trust.”

Jack looks suspicious. “Is this true? It’s over?” Hortense nods.

Cat shrugs and nods too. “Yes, Jack, it’s true. I seduced her, but she was always reluctant, and she finally told me we were through. Sorry, fella.”

Tanya sighs wearily. “Jack, Hortense, Peter – do you want to go try to get some help?”

The three nod. “I think we can help. After this word from The Big Beeper Corporation, a very special guest will join us. The camera cuts to Bo Peep.

“I’d like to address a problem that sheepherders everywhere experience. Wanderers! Do you have wanderers? I had wanderers, and I’m here to tell you that Big Beeper’s Sheep Beepers saved my business. Let me demonstrate on Winky, my prize-winning ewe. I simply snap this compact Big Beeper Sheep Beeper on Winky’s collar, and that’s it. No muss, no fuss, no pinching, no pulling. Winky is happy, and if she wanders out of sight, I simply push the locator button on my remote control. The Big Beeper Sheep Beeper that is the furthest distance from the remote sounds with a distinctive chime, and I herd her back into place. Listen to this gentle sound.”

Bo Peep pushes the button on the remote and a high-decibel shriek echoes throughout the studio complex. Winky bleats repeatedly, running in a circle. Finally she takes a dump on the carpeting and falls over in what appears to be a fit, her legs twitching. Stage hands run to help the poor ewe, and Bo Peep throws the remote to the ground and stomps on it furiously.

Tanya Tellall and her guests stare at the monitors in disbelief. Tanya hesitates before speaking.

“Welcome back. We have Doctor Simple Simon, the renowned family counselor, here with us today to assist our guests. Doctor Simple, please join us.”

Doctor Simple enters from backstage carrying a three-legged stool. The stool is tall, and he is several heads higher than the other guests when he sits down. “Hi ya’, Tanya.” Turning to the other guests, he gives them a big grin. “Hi, y’all.”

“Doctor Simple, you are known as ‘The Relationship Doc’ – can you help our guests today?”

“Sure ‘nuff, Tanya. It’s all simple! As I said in my first book, Y’all Listen Up!… no, maybe it was my third book, Are You Still Listenin’?... anyway, what I said is ‘You mess it up, I’ll fix it.’ Nothin’ I can’t fix, Tanya, fer sure.”

Tanya looks dazed for a moment. “Wonderful, Doctor Simple. I know you’ve been watching from backstage. What do you have to say about the Sprats’ difficulties?”

“Well, first of all, Pete, good for you! You’re gettin’ in touch with your inner child, and today you gave it a slap on the butt for lyin’ about that freaky lookin’ guy gettin’ you in trouble when you were teens.

But as far as blamin’ your folks for all the troubles in your life ‘cause of what they named you – GET REAL! So you were picked on as a kid? Well, boo hoo! I was bald when I was twelve – I got picked on real bad.” Some audience members snicker, but quiet down when Doctor Simple gives them a harsh look.

He turns back to Peter. “It’s simple, Pete, and I got a simple answer.Ya’ got to dig deep and find out who you really are before you try to relate in an emotional way to another person – male or female. Got it? So stop the whinin’, ‘cause I gotta ask, ‘How’s that workin’ for ya’?”

At this the audience erupts in wild applause, with some interspersed cheers of “Yeah, it’s simple” and “Tell him, Doc.”

“Now you, Dad. You were an insensitive jerk givin’ Pete such a nickname. If I’d known you then, I’d have smacked you upside the head, then reported you for child abuse. As for your marriage problems, suck it up, boy! Never mind why your fat wife decided to get skinny, just enjoy it! She strayed? Sure, you probably ignored her, and you’re not lookin’ so hot. Go find those gay guys, The Jesters Five, to do you over. Then take your hot wife out for some ribs and line dancin’, y’hear? Simple.”

Doctor Simple looks soulfully into Hortense’s eyes. “Mama, you lost a lot of weight, then cut loose. That’s understandable. Your choice was questionable, though,” he adds, looking across to Cat. “He’s the type to get what he wants and move on. I guess he’s the cat who likes to fiddle around!”

The audience applauds. Cat hisses, but looks contrite.

“It’s simple - don’t be a slut no more,” continues Doctor Simple. “Forgive yourself. You should all forgive yourselves and each other. Now get up outta’ your seats.”

Jack, Hortense and Peter slowly rise, caution on their faces. “Now all three of ya’ hug.”
They stand awkwardly for a moment. “I said hug!” This time they comply, relaxing and murmuring apologies to each other.

Doctor Simple asks Peter, “You still gonna’ sue them, son?”

Peter shakes his head, tightening his hug.

“See, Tanya?” Doctor Simple grins. “I told ya – it’s simple. Nothin’ I can’t fix, fer sure!”

“Umm, yes. Thank you, Dr. Simple Simon, for sharing your expertise with our guests and our audience.”

“Fergus and Cat, what are your plans,” puzzles Tanya, “now that you know about Sadie and Brando?”

Fergus glances at Cat, then back at Tanya. “I won’t stand in the way of Sadie seeing our children, but I guess there’s no future for us.” Sadie pats his hand gratefully.

Cat scratches at his whiskers thoughtfully. “I guess Sadie and I just weren’t meant to be together. We both carried on with other people. I’m sorry for not being honest, Sadie. No hard feelings?”

Sadie smiles, shaking her head. “No, no hard feelings. I’m sorry, too.”

“Everything seems to be working out,” says Tanya, “though some of our guests still have relationship problems to resolve. We hope we’ve helped them on their way.

And thank you, ladies and gentlemen for tuning in to the premiere of ‘Looking For the Happy Ending.’ We hope you’ll be here tomorrow, when we help our Fairy Tale Land friends confront issues with the important people in their lives. This is Tanya Tellall saying Bye ‘n Bye!”

© 2004