“… and have you ever seen such a…?” Tanya Tellall is chatting with an audience member when a voice offstage breaks in.

“Um, Tanya, the camera’s back.”

“Oh, we’re back!” chirps Tanya. “Before our break we brought out Brando, Sadie’s secret lover. It’s obvious neither Fergus Frog, Sadie’s ex-husband, or The Cat Who Fiddled, her most recent partner, knew about Brando. Am I right, gentlemen?”

Tanya turns to the two, who are now sitting next to each other, both with crossed arms and scowling faces. They nod in agreement. Turning towards the audience, Tanya continues. “We seem to have an alliance forming in front of our eyes.”

“We also learned that Sadie and Brando were introduced by his mother, The Old Woman Who Lives in a Shoe. She’ll join us in a moment, but first let’s learn a little something about Brando.” She turns to look at him. “Tell us about yourself.”

Brando hesitates, looking to Sadie for encouragement. “Well, I’m a biker. I was tuning my Harley in front of my house when Sadie came to see my Mom.”

“By your house,” says Tanya, “don’t you mean your mother’s house?”

“Well, yeah.”

“And you live with your mother, as do your twenty-three siblings?”

“Sib…?”

“Siblings,” Tanya grins, “your brothers and sisters.”

“Oh. Sure, we all…”

Tanya leans in. “Do you pay rent, Brando?”

“No.” His shoulders droop.

“Do your brothers and sisters?”

“No.” His head droops.

Tanya leans closer. “Do you have a job, Brando?” Before he can answer, she continues. “No, we know you don’t, and you’ve never been able to keep an honest job for more than a few days, right?”

Brando looks to Sadie, seemingly for help, and she speaks up. “He’s trying to find himself. He’s really trying.”

“Well, Sadie,” responds Tanya, “it seems the only work Brando has ever had any success with is stealing. He stole the money for his Harley from his mother, and has stolen from most of his family. In fact, during the commercial break we received a call from the hotel where we put our guests up, the Fairy Tale Land Sleepy Time Inn. After he checked out, it was discovered that Brando’s room is missing a television, VCR, hairdryer and two lamps that were bolted to the wall.” The audience gasps loudly. “Let’s see what our security staff found in his truck.” The missing items are brought in and put down in front of Brando, who squirms in his chair.

“What do you have to say for yourself?” asks Tanya.

“Brando, is this true?” Sadie looks horrified.

“This is a frame-up! Everyone always blames me!” cries Brando.

“I think this is a good time to meet Brando’s mother. Let’s have The Old Woman come out now, shall we?”

As his mother struggles to step up onto the stage, Brando, spurred on by Sadie, takes her arm. She shoves him away, a disgusted look on her face. “You’re a disgrace! Get away!” Walking past the empty chair waiting for her between Brando and Sadie, she tells Sadie, “Get over, let me sit here,” taking Sadie’s chair instead of the one next to her son.

“Welcome, Old Woman. I know you’ve had a hard time raising twenty-four children in a shoe meant for eighteen people, all on your own. Tell us about it.”

“Oy, have I ever. My husband, the bum may he rot in hell, ran out on us before the youngest was born, leaving me with not much more than crumbs in the pantry, and no money coming in. I struggled for several years, taking in laundry and mending from the neighbors, but the kids were running wild. So I decided to form a folk singing group with the children – their one talent is music - and we toured Fairly Tale Land in a discarded school bus. We were “Mama and the Double Dozens.” Two of our songs became big hits, ‘These Shoes Ain’t Made for Walkin’’ and ‘I’ll Tie Yours If You’ll Tie Mine.’” The Old Woman pauses to give her son a scathing look. “But touring took a toll on me, and the children were in constant trouble with the law. We often had to cancel gigs and make a hasty departure.”

“We finally headed home, where I hoped for a quiet retirement. Is that too much for a mother to ask of her children? I want to turn the old shoe into a B&B, but my ungrateful children won’t move out and into their own boots. They still cause trouble locally and refuse to pay rent. I’m also battling the department of building and safety; I have three months to renovate and bring the shoe up to code or be evicted.”

Tanya shakes her head in sympathy. “And what do you think of Sadie and Brando’s romance?”

The Old Woman turns to Sadie, tears welling up in her eyes. “He’s my biggest shame, I’m sorry to say. Nothing I tried could straighten him out: talks with the Rabbi, summer sessions at Camp Lotta Guilt, even sending him to the very best private school, Bear Mitzvah Academy. Do you know how many porridge bowls I had to scrub to earn the tuition money? My hands used to be so beautiful, my nails so perfect. But what did that ingrate do?” she asks, looking past Sadie at Brando. “In seventh grade he talked that sweet Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater into torching the school library and running away with him to the carnival. He got Peter, Peter into such trouble, his parents, Jack and Hortense Sprat, still won’t speak to me. He’s never even apologized to them. Stay away from him, dear. Not because you’re a shiksa, but because he’s a nogoodnik.” she says, touching Sadie’s cheek with her rough, raw hand.

“Well, Brando,” asks Tanya, “what do you have to say for yourself?”

“Mama, I’m so sorry!” cries Brando as he throws himself to the stage next to his mother, putting his tearful face in her lap. “I’ve never been any good, but I’ll really try this time. I’ll go stay at the monastery in Nighttime Prayer Land to learn how to get on the straight and narrow. I’ll stay for as long as it takes. I won’t be a putz anymore, I promise.”

Old Woman hesitates, then strokes his head. “What else could a mother wish for? I’m so proud.”

“And if you’re serious, Brando, I’ll wait for you,” chimes in Sadie.

Tanya is obviously moved. “This is a wonderful turn of events, I must say. Tell you what, Brando, if you stick it out at the monastery and things work out with you and Sadie, we’ll not only have your wedding here on our show, we’ll pay for it all, including both a Rabbi and a Minister.”

Tanya is misty-eyed as she turns to the audience. “After our break, we’ll give Brando a chance to make amends with the Sprats and their son, and find out how the incident at Bear Mitzvah Academy changed their lives. We’ll be back after this message from another of our sponsors, the makers of Troll Away. Don’t go away!” The camera cuts to Goldilocks.

“Ladies, before you follow my example and go off into the Woodlands by yourselves, take along the newest product of the Zap-It Company, Troll Away. It comes in five offensive scents and a convenient pocket size, along with your choice of carrier colors. Travel without fear past babbling brooks and over bridges. When I set out on my news-making trip, I had no idea what was in store for me. I was very lucky that I was not accosted by a Troll, but with today’s expanding Troll population, we need to protect ourselves. Don’t leave home without it!”

And now back to our program…

© 2004