Today I found out that I could have Bigger Boobs now! I know this is true because “Susan@bignbusty.com” a woman I don’t even know, emailed me and said it was not only possible but that it would actually happen! Susan has emailed me frequently about this concern she has for my Tom Sawyer like figure. To be fair, others have also emailed me regarding the curveless condition of my upper torso. Apparently the state of my chest is of grave Internet concern.

Susan wants me to take these wonderful herbal supplements that have been known in China for years. One before each meal and I am guaranteed to give Dolly Parton a run for her money.

Jennifer@busty.com who is actually a Registered Nurse and really knows about medical products insists that if I use the “Bust Out” bust enhancer three times a day forever I am guaranteed to have curves to make JLo a fading memory in the little grey cells of men.

Of course Dr. Tom drtom@surgerynow.com has a surgical solution to my flatline appearance. For only $10,000, a mere pittance, that I can pay as monthly installments, I can have two spectacular spherical miracles of science permanently implanted, that will never appear to be divining water but will always point to the North Star!
I can see me now, walking down the street, clearing a path through congested pedestrian traffic with my twin orbs leading the way. A modern female Moses leading the flat feminine hordes to the shining light of Dr. Tom’s pulchritude palace.

But alas, such dreams of mammary magnificence must wait. I have just received numerous emails from other friends I didn’t know I had advising me that I must lose weight! My health and even my status as a human being depend on my becoming slim, slim, slim. So many pills and products to buy to create my new future sylphan self. And all thanks to the many, many friends I have who send me 50, 60 a hundred emails a day advising me of how my worthless, flat chested and flabby self can be improved!

I’m so grateful to my numerous unseen companions of the web who care so much for me. Thank you! Thank you! Faceless but faithful friends! And yes, please don’t worry about the state of my finances anymore. I have received your indefatigable messages of advice concerning my mortgage. And I’m taking all of it! I’m contacting all of the countless mortgage lenders and banks and credit card offers.

Tonight I will go to sleep (thanks to Dr. Herman’s Night Night Herbal pills he was so kind to email me about) knowing my financial worries are over and wake up refreshed and ready to begin using my bust enhancer.
What a world! What a world!