Just as the forkful of apple pie was about to touch his lips, my husband had an epiphany! He was married to a fat woman! Not the kind of robust beauty Reubens painted so well but the modern “when did my size 5 turn into a 14?” variety. It’s okay to have an epiphany, an awe inspiring moment when suddenly everything becomes clear! Just don’t say it out loud and never, ever to your wife!

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough pie my dear?” the words sailed forth from his mouth and the fork went in. The apple pie hot and juicy with just the right amount of cold vanilla ice cream. Delicious in fact.

My two children just sat, struck dumb by the remark as if Medusa had been supping with us and turned them to stone. Then they tried desperately to give their Dad a chance at life by giving him a few signals. Gently raised eyebrows, a widening of the eyes. To no avail. Now thoroughly fed and warmed up on the topic it was time to help his wife understand the error of her Epicurean ways.

“High cholesterol you know, (Strike one!) Extra weight isn’t good for the heart at your age.” (Strike two!) One more strike and the children knew the reading of the will would soon take place.

“Really my dear” I said ever so sweetly. The apple pie and ice cream were within my reach but the gauntlet had been thrown and a second helping was now out of the question. “And how is your diet going?”

“My diet! I don’t need to diet! I can still fit into the same pants I wore last year and the year before.”

Amazingly they did although the cute little paunch hanging over them pointing south wasn’t there on our wedding day! But ordinarily I loved the little doughboy just the way he was anyway. Ordinarily! But this was no ordinary moment!

My husband is Sicilian that’s Italian for “men are superior in all ways!” Sicilian’s also created the Mafia and other works of art and based on what I’ve seen of Sicily on the Travel shows it’s a really picturesque place to visit. So I don’t blame Sicily or Sicilians for his commentary on the state of my adipose tissue. Flamboyantly using the fork to punctuate his words he delivered the coup de grace. Arms now resting on the table, a concerned look upon his face he delivered the infamous words “Maybe you should go on a diet, take off a few of those excess pounds.” (Strike Three – You’re out!) Faster than a frog can catch a fly my hands in an amazing feat of dexterity reached across the table and snatched not only the apple pie in the pie dish but the dish with the remainder of my husband’s San’s pie. What is that expression “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander” Well, what the goose couldn’t eat was now forbidden to the gander! In another move, noted for speed rather than grace I removed both plates from the table and headed for the kitchen disposal.

“Hey! That’s my pie, I wasn’t finished” called my husband.

“Ohhh, I think you’re finished” I hollered back as I sailed forth upon my mission. Gleefully I scraped all the pie from all the plates into the gaping mouth of the garbage disposal. Earlier that day I had happily prepared this his favorite pie, cutting apples, sprinkling cinnamon, dabbing butter. Now I was destroying
the dream! Earlier in the day his mouth watering he had told me how he couldn’t wait for tonight’s meal. He relished the thought of that pie with a little ice cream all day. Now it was gone! Destroyed by whirlwind blades ripping and tearing through the cooked apple membrane. Curiously the little ditty from the Wizard of Oz began playing in my head “Ding dong the Witch is dead, which old witch the wicked old witch….” Well, my mother always told me never to fight or argue in front of the kids. I think she also meant dismemberment of husbands too. Although hidden from sight the sound of the blades was a symbolic symphony of victory. No pie for me, no pie for you!
Volley number two was launched a day later. Not to be out done by what my kids called “the death of the innocent pie”episode, my husband had a new announcement. He had a surprise for me! He would show me after dinner. The kids looked on in wonder. This was how real adults behaved! No destruction of edible delights but forgiveness through surprise! What could it be we all wondered? But daddy kept his secrets and wouldn’t tell even the kids what Mom’s wonderful surprise was. Everyone would have to wait.

Thrilled with anticipation I made a culinary masterpiece for dinner. Roast chicken with wine sauce, baby-baked potatoes, and early spring peas and topping off the meal, orange sherbet with homemade lemon cookies and coffee. A meal fit for a king, my king! I couldn’t wait for my surprise.

After dinner, the kids packed in the car we were off to see Mom’s surprise. I couldn’t imagine what kind of surprise we all had to drive to but I had been asking and asking for a Yorkshire Terrier puppy. Hinting around, leaving pictures and magazine articles about these cute little darlings. I wondered if we were going to a pet store or a local breeder. I was so excited, then a little confused as we made our way to the local shopping center. There wasn’t a pet store there, just a bunch of small dress shops, a grocery store and…and…son of a #$%^!@ Ballys!!! No he couldn’t, he wouldn’t….but you know he did! Looming up before us was the parking lot facing the glass window of the exercise palace. Seething inside I kept a straight face. I would play along with this charade and then we would go home. Then I would plot my long-term revenge! Ha! The Wicked Witch of the West would have nothing on me!

“Hello Mr. Musumeci” an unctuous buff young man addressed my husband. “So good to see you back so soon! And this must be the lucky recipient of your wonderful gift” I smiled and mentally consoled myself with some rather amusing little fantasies all of which ended with my husband starving.

After touring the various exercise torture chambers, smiling sweetly and promising to attend the gym at least three times a week we returned home and prepared for bed. The kids were excited with visions of fabulous gym clothes dancing through their heads. My husband sat down to read in front of the television set and I made my way huffing and puffing up the stairs to my bedroom. Surprise! There on my pillow was a single red rose and a homemade card. “I hope you liked my surprise. I always want you to be here with me and be happy and healthy. I love you” I looked a long, long time at that card and then I got a pen and wrote along side his name “Dear hubby, I love you too, meet me at the gym tomorrow. Oh and by the way, apple pie on Sunday!”