(Warning: The following editorial is a satirical look at world events and should not be confused with actual events, which at times appear satirical.)

Eager to fulfill his promise to "get cracking" on his transition, Gov.-elect Arnold Schwartzenegger named Charlton Heston to head the California Environmental Protection Agency this week.

"Chuck was beginning to sound like a bit of a gun nut," said former action doll hero Schwartzenegger. "He needs a different challenge, and this appointment will allow him to revisit the Moses role he played so daftly, holding back the waters of the Red Sea."

His last appearance in Michael Moore's film, Bowling for Columbine, led some to believe that Heston was washed up, but the new appointment will rekindle his career. He is already being mentioned to play God in a new film by Rupert Murdock.

Known for not working well with others and waving a gun at press conferences, Heston will have his duties cut out for him, overseeing the largest environmental project in the world. Unveiled at the same time as Heston's appointment, Schwartzenegger's new plan will armor the California coast against the rising Pacific Ocean.

Insiders revealed that a U.S. Geological Survey report on global warming, which predicts the ocean will rise of three feet over the next century-a rise that will inundate Los Angeles and turn Hollywood into Venice-West, alarmed Schwartzenegger.

"When the idea for the seawall hit him, Arnie's face lit up like a kid with a new train set," says D. H. Palmreader, a spokesman for the gov.-elect. "He promised to give back to big business for his election, and this is the perfect pay-back project. There will be something in this wall for everybody."

The new plan includes building a concrete retaining wall along the entire coast of California to hold back the Pacific Ocean. The project will cost hundreds of billions of dollars, take decades to build and will revive California's economy. By embedding computer and telecommunications equipment, software, automobiles, canned goods, rice, clothing, lumber and a variety of other California products into the barrier, the state expects an economic boom for the next decade.

"This is not another empty movie set; a seawall makes a good visual," said Palmreader. "Once again the Terminator shows that we can trust him because he has leadership, foresight and a non-threatening knownothingism that allows us to remain idea-free."

Armed with half-a-dozen assault rifles and several pistols, Heston greeted his announced appointment with jubilation, shouting, "Let'em roll." Insiders explained that the phrase refers to movie cameras, which Heston misses since becoming a spokesman for the lunatic fringe. Immediately after the press conference, Heston left in a convoy of Hummers and Bradley fighting vehicles for a bunker at an undisclosed location under Sacramento.

Critics immediately attacked the gov.-elect's plan, claiming that Schwartzenegger was simply attempting to divert public attention from charges that involved harrassing women after he arrived in the US from Austria, where some claim his practices are common. Schwartzenegger's defenders pointed out that Arnie promised to behave while in the Capitol building and will have himself investigated by a special private investigator who will report all findings to him.

"There are some things we don't want to know," said Bill Lockjaw, California Attorney General who voted for Schwartzenegger. "In this case, the results of the investigation will not be made public in the interest of protecting us, along with Arnie's wife and children, fromhis previously unknown sexual practices. Like President Bush, we demand that the media focus only on the positive aspects of this administration and overlook any failings."

A major reason for choosing Heston rests on his ability to rally the armed might of the National Rifle Association to lobby Oregon, Washington, Alaska and Mexico to cooperate with California in continuing the ocean barrier. If California acts alone, water will come around the ends of the barrier and flood the state.

"The only way to truly make this plan work," says Jay Leno, Schwarzennnegger's newly appointed ambassador to Hollywood, "is to hold back three feet of pounding waves from pouring into California and destroying Hollywood, our Hummers, our Rodeo Drive stores, our Disneyland and everything that we hold dear. We must extend the wall along the west coast of the whole continent."

Environmentalists pointed out that the plan has some very positive aspects but also one major drawback. "Unfortunately," pointed out Bill O'Dingaling, noted right-wing talk show host, "saving the West Coast from three feet of water means the water has to go someplace else. It looks like the East Coast will be under six feet of water."
The End

Don Monkerud is an Aptos, California-based columnist and author who follows politics.Don Monkerud
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Copyright 2003

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