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 (Warning:
Although based on fact, the following editorial is a satirical look at
world events and should not be taken literally.)
As tens of thousands of teachers across the US receive layoff notices,
the Bush Administration is moving to re-employ the teachers as part of
an effort to rebuild war torn Iraq.
With states on the verge of bankruptcy, some are threatening to cut funding
for health care, education, police donut supplies and three-martini lunches
for paid lobbyist. By shipping unemployed teachers to Iraq, Bush officials
hope to revive the economy, reaffirm Bush's legacy as "the Education
President," and prove to the world that he can read.
"Why just last night the President asked me to read the part in
the Bible about the burning bush," said Laura Bush, first lady. "Just
because George hasn't read a book since grade school doesn't mean he can't
read. He thinks reading is grand as long as people don't get any ideas."
Bush hopes to repair the damage to the Iraqi education system, inflicted
by ten years of US bombing, by increasing the percentage of Iraqi children
enrolled in school from 33 percent to 125 percent. The US will provide
books and pencils, and open Nike, Gap and other stores to bring Iraqi
school children up to the level of fashion enjoyed by US students.
Although the re-employed US teachers will be barred from the programs,
future plans call for financing sports cars, BMWs and SUVs for the children
of high government officials in Iraq.
Recently appointed to the White House office of Kindergarten Cops, Arnold
Schwarzenegger will kick off an "English only" reading program.
"If you want to get along in the world today, you have to learn English,"
said Schwarzenegger. "Where would you be if you couldn't say, 'Make
my day,' 'Hasta la vista,' 'No problemo,' or 'How much is that?'"
The plan to hire American teachers in Iraq comes at a time when states
are scrambling to find new sources of revenue to retain teachers. Some
school districts in California are selling corporate sponsorships to driveways,
water fountains, school nurses and local drug dealers. A Silicon Valley
school recently signed up with the Mustang Ranch in Nevada to distribute
T-shirts imprinted with a picture of Mae West saying, "Come up to
see me between the holidays sometime," and a local Baptist Church
renamed the school band, the "A family that preys together, stays
together band."
A newly created Office of Colonial Administration made up of private
contractors will disperse educational funding through Halliburton, Bechtel,
Fluor, the Carlisle Group, and other corporate donors. Some fear the plan
will increase the $300 billion US deficit, but Republicans point out that
further cuts in domestic social welfare programs and unemployment insurance
will offset increased spending for teachers in Iraq.
"This war won't break the bank," says Joe Snooze, spokesman
for the Free Enterprise Institute. "Once we seize the Iraqi oil fields,
there will be enough money to pay for the President's tax break for the
wealthy, hefty contracts to his friends, and the NRA's new 'Arm the Kids'
program."
FBI Director Robert Mueller supports shifting teachers from US classrooms
to Iraq, due to what he considers a disproportionate number of teachers
who support peace. Mueller considers such teachers "suspected independent
unaffiliated terrorists" whom he plans to round up and ship to Iraq.
"We won't allow these teachers to question our crackdown on freedom
of speech," Mueller said. "If we don't succeed in our crusade
to take back the Holy Land, we'll wake up tomorrow to find Iraq soldiers
landing in Miami."
Others warn that American's will wake up with a huge migraine when the
tax bill to pay for the teachers comes due. "Teachers are lazy. After
all, they get three months vacation every year," said Mike Vacancy,
undersecretary to the undersecretary of the Secretary of Education. "But
teachers do work cheap. Sending them to Iraq could be the best economic
move by the government in the last 50 years."
The End
Copyright Don Monkerud 2003
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