Unable to find low-wage workers with around-the-clock availability, executives at the country's largest pizza chains will begin outsourcing pizza delivery jobs to China and India beginning as early as next week.

George Sotight, CEO of Strawmulch Pizza, will outsource 20,000 of his 30,000 pizza delivery jobs to India in a pilot project aimed at increasing shareholder profit. Strawmulch faces increased competition from McDonalds, which has bounced back from a recent slump in sales with aggressively priced Mad Cow Weekend specials.

" We are seeking ways to squeeze more profit from our franchisees because, frankly, employees can't survive on the wages we pay," said Sotight. "We will concentrate on what we do best-producing profits for our shareholders who would never dream of eating at Strawmulch."

Sotight explained that there is a steady supply of recent college graduates in India who will work for low wages and are available to board a plane at a moment's notice, deliver pizzas door-to-door in the US in 24-hour shifts, and then return to India. Planes are being furnished by Halliburton Pizza Delivery, which obtained a no-bid contract from the Pentagon to use standby military aircraft on Preemptive Strike duty at airbases around the world.

" Unlike American workers who drive clunkers, our new Indian workers will deliver pizzas on bicycles," said Sotight.

Industry experts say India pizza delivery workers-the subcontinent's equivalent of slave labor-can deliver up to six billion pizzas a year in the US. Strawmulch competitors, Playdough and Thinslice, are considering outsourcing to China and paying workers 25 cents a day.

" Globalism means foreign employees who work for nothing and complacent voters who keep Republicans in Washington," said Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, who warned against "protectionism."

Despite losing over 2.2 million jobs under Bush, the economy is on a record pace to set new unemployment records not seen since the Great Depression. Greenspan predicted that the economy will strengthen in coming months as US forces are freed from Iraq to threaten rivals such as France and Germany. By increasing the size of the army and reclassifying fast-food restaurants as a "service industry," the decline of manufacturing jobs can be mitigated.

" History shows that the rich always get richer," said Greenspan. "By making the tax cuts for the wealthy permanent and paying for them out of everyone's Social Security, the rich will prosper even more."

Increasingly, US firms are outsourcing jobs to India and China. The latest plan, from Education Secretary Rodney Paige, would replace 2.7 million National Education Association members with teachers from China who don't oppose Bush's No Child Left Standing program.

" We can no longer trust teachers," said Paige. "These terrorists demand a living wage and the only way for us to be safe is to ship in teachers from China. By drastically reducing teachers' pay, we will have more money for occupation forces and tax cuts."

In an innovative twist, O.J. Simpson and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger last week announced that they are outsourcing the investigations of themselves to China. After investigating himself for killing his wife, Simpson is frustrated because US investigators have turned up nothing.

" The killer may be in China," Simpson told Fox newswoman Janet Lapdog. "They have more people and many more suspects."

Rob Shutmouth, Schwarzenegger's spokesman, said that Californians have forgotten about the groping charges advanced during the Governor's election campaign due to the Governor's white skin and his great Republican connections. Schwarzenegger is considering holding the public forum for women to air their grievances, which he promised after his election, in China as well.

Not to be outdone, President Bush fired the panel that was investigating the weapons of mass destruction brouhaha and outsourced it to China. Although some claim the move is a clumsy attempt to shield the president, Scott McFluffy, White House spokesman, denied that language barriers would prevent a clear airing of the issue.

" Capitalism relentlessly moves to find lower wages," said McFluffy. "If the President can benefit in any way from lower prices, he wants to take advantage of the American citizen to give them what they deserve."

Don Monkerud is an Aptos, California-based columnist and author who follows politics.

Copyright Don Monkerud 2004