(Warning: Although based on fact, the following editorial is a satirical look at world events and should not be taken literally.)

On Tuesday, Utah's Senator Orrin Hatch announced that he plans to vacate his seat in Washington to go on the road with a newly formed rock-and-roll band, ROF (Reactionary Old Farts).

" The longer I stay around Washington, the more I sound like my babbling old buddy Ronnie Reagan," Hatch said. "The next thing you know I will be suggesting that the government destroy people's computers."

After reporting $18,000 income from songwriting in his recent Senate financial disclosure, the Utah Republican sought career advice from Bono of the rock band U2. Bono told Hatch that his songs were "actually beautiful," but asked him not to play them in his presence. Bono suggested that Hatch change his name to "Johnny Trapdoor."

Hatch is seeking a music label such as AOL Time Warner, Cocaine and Booze, Walt Disney or Microsoft, which recently expressed an interest in taking over the music business. "It's pay-off time big-time," said Hatch, who donned a shoulder-length wig, hip-hugger leather pants and a ripped T-shirt. "After the money I helped them make with special legislation for one thing after another, I expect to become a star."

Hatch is reportedly interviewing potential band members with mixed results. Former President Ronnie Reagan refused to play tambourine without his wife Nancy's assistance. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is considering playing in the rhythm section when he learns rhythm. Trent Lott will provide pyrotechnics with burning crosses, and Jesse Helms will chase Black men around the stage carrying a rope. Other band members haven't been chosen, although Hatch is in discussions with Dumpy Wives, a female backup group to be lead by Lynn Cheney.

The first road tour, The Looting of Baghdad, will begin in the fall, visit a dozen major cities and will coincide with the planned invasion of Iran. Additional road tours, based on Hatch's insider knowledge of the White House, include The Looting of the National Treasury, Stamping out France, and Kiss Your Freedom Goodbye, a benefit concert for Patriot Act V, one of Hatch's favorite projects. If successful, Hatch will stage a repeat of the Normandy invasion with a promise to capture Paris and Bonn, Germany.

While Hatch attempted to put ROF in a favorable light, Washington rumors reveal a serious breach with the Bush White House over clandestine meetings with First Lady Laura Bush, who reportedly placed a blue dress in a bank safety deposit box. Such dalliances seriously compromise Hatch's future goal of becoming bandleader of the Marine Corps.

A devout Mormon who believes in church-state coordination in running government, Hatch will be sorely missed in Washington where he is a steady voice for spying on citizens, arming terrorist with Stinger missiles capable of shooting down US planes, placing family authority in the hands of husbands and fathers, and transferring the nation's wealth to the very rich.

" I have done everything I can to screw up government in Washington and now need new challenges," Hatch said. "We have the largest budget deficit in history, the largest military in the world and are on the verge of abolishing Social Security and Medicare. Washington is full of sycophants willing to push my agenda."

Hatch did express regret at not accomplishing his goals in Washington. "I would still like to abolish taxes, the federal budget, health care for poor people, and dancing," said Hatch. "But don't think I'm negative on the modern world, I have a positive agenda too. I would like to increase executions, place orphans in workhouses, and put a nuclear missile in every home to make us safer."

In Utah, the question of whom will replace Hatch is shaping into a race between those who support the genetic cloning of Mormon founders Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. Church elders claim both men represent their view of the world although their belief in polygamy could put them in jail before they are elected.

Although Bono warned him that "the brothers" will never play his songs, Hatch continues to write a song a day. Recent titles include "Civil Rights My Ass," "Electric Chair the MoFo," "Off My Property Or Die!" "Ride a Camel, Dirty Immigrant," "No More Welfare Moms," and "Tax Cuts for the Rich Boogie."

" The only thing I will miss in Washington is the pay-off from lobbyists," said Hatch. "But I hear there are even better ones from media corporations."
The end
Don Monkerud is an Aptos, California-based columnist and author who follows politics.

Don Monkenrud can be reached at monkerud@cruzio.com

Copyright Don Monkerud 2003