Based on Cold War era programs such as Turn in Your Parents, Duck and Cover, and Catch a Commie, the U.S. Department of Education unveiled a set of guidelines last week to help school districts devise plans to protect students against terrorism.

The department admitted they are ill prepared to make recommendations due to the excessive time required to plan a new faith-based school system. Although unable to reveal details, administrators did say parts of the plan include a school prayer, "Please God, help me graduate," a motto, "Only God Knows," and a song, "Washed in the Blood of the Lamp."

"We have a new prayer for the birth control program too," said Denis Miller, recently appointed cheerleader for the White House. "Please God, don't let me get pregnant."

The guidelines to protect children against terrorism will supplement Bush's "Leave No Child Standing" initiative passed by Congress last fall. The initiative is yet to be funded due to the billions of dollars required to bribe other countries to go along with the U.S. invasion of Iraq.

Federal officials admitted that they have been so busy devising plans to protect Vice President Cheney's bunker and the homes of those who contributed $100,000 or more to Bush's re-election campaign that they totally forgot about the country's 100,000 public and private schools. Christian schools will get priority but all schools are urged to begin by monitoring student's email.

"You never know where one of these suspected unaffiliated independent terrorist will crop up," said J.P. Pettibone IV, supervisor of kindergarten in Waco, Texas. "We are reading each student's email to make sure they don't go over the line and criticize their school."

School administrators across the country admitted they have been too busy administering tests and scrambling to make up lost funding due to drastic school budget cuts from previous Bush education programs, to address safety issues. Some administrators are planting land mines in playgrounds so children will understand the threat from Iraq, while others are only allowing students to discuss bake sales.

While each school will develop plans on their own, federal guidelines include requiring terrorists to sign up in the principal's office and wrapping classrooms in duct tape and plastic. The private sector is making additional recommendations. The National Rifle Association immediately suggested arming students and teachers at elementary and high schools, and that colleges obtain rocket launchers, tanks and helicopter gunships. "The single most important thing we can teach our children is about their right to bear arms," said NRA President Charlton Heston. "Unarmed students cannot kill a terrorist."

Timber companies suggest that every tree within twenty miles of a school be clear cut to prevent sneak attacks and the stockpiling of contraband. McDonald's recommends closing school cafeterias and sending children to their outlets to prevent mass poisoning, while Wal-Mart is selling school uniforms made in China so terrorists will stand-out in the normal school population.

The Southern Baptist Council pointed out that large book backpacks are not only unsightly but provide hiding places for "dirty bombs." Searching backpacks is time-consuming, so the Council recommends replacing textbooks with Bibles. "One book is more convenient and less complicated than all the textbooks kids are required to carry today," said Billy Graham, from Upright Evangelism. "Back in the old days we didn't need so many books; they are hardly necessary today."

While officials forgot what "train, practice, and drill," meant on their guidelines, an anonymous source said, "Marching is good." Some administrators objected to evacuation plans on the basis that most students have more efficient methods of escaping school than any plan they could devise.

Although the Department of Education will not fund specific programs for schools, they promise to develop expensive guidelines that every school district must fulfill to obtain federal funding. To develop additional guidelines, they will release $3 billion dollars to the FBI and CIA.
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