Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told Congress on Monday that he saw "no end" to American occupation of Iraq, and US control would prove that "our country is better than those other bums" who refused to assist in the US war against the rest of the world.

Rumsfeld refused to discuss a timetable for withdrawing troops but he pledged the troops will stay as long as they need to and not a century longer.

"We decided to leave the troops in Iraq until they retire or turn seventy, whichever comes first," Rumsfeld told a cheering Congress. "If the war is ever over, we will retire them to a small plot of land in the Iraqi desert, saving our government enough money to give the rich another tax cut."

In Washington, plans are being made for a "Wives and Families" retirement party in Iraq in 2064. "We love our husbands, but bringing them home could cause complications with certain new acquaintances we have made in their absence," said Jane Prettymouth, spokeswoman for Fundamentalist Christian Wives. Others hope their husbands will simply forget about them by retirement age, but keep sending their checks, including the $14.95 monthly combat pay supplement.

Rumsfeld blamed occupation miscalculations on the CIA for what he called "standard" intelligence lapses. "At one time we thought we could bring our boys and girls home in six months, but it looks like there's more oil there than Halliburton can pump out in our lifetimes."

Some war supporters call for rounding up unemployed single mothers and shipping them to Iraq to stabilize a situation that is quickly getting out of hand. "We need to send our toughest welfare moms to Iraqi," said Jimmy Lafferting, chairman of the Christian Seniors Assoc. "Everyone hates these leaches, and think of the tax money we will save."

Rumsfeld is increasingly under pressure to "take the fall," as one White House source put it, for the boggled attempt to bring order to Iraq. Meanwhile President Bush is praying and reading the Bible. "I am absolutely confident that Halliburton will make a profit in Iraq, despite our failure to find Elmo-or was it nuclear weapons?" Bush said.

Recently, other countries have pledged troops. Newly formed countries such as Oz and Fairyland have sent a dozen troops, evidence, Bush said, "of continuing world support of our ignorable efforts."

Some critics protested turning Islamic mosques in Iraq over to the Mormon Church, but Senator Orin Hatch, R-Utah, said church zealots are tough. "We have millions of unwanted missionaries around the world who will continue to knock on doors until they drop."

Rumsfeld told Congress that mid-year spending for maintaining troops in Iraq has doubled to include $3.9 billion a month in payments to President Bush's top fundraiser Kenny Lay to advise the government on building a giant "Ruins of Civilization" amusement park on the outskirts of Baghdad. Concessions for the multi-trillion dollar complex include "What Happened to the Money?" a game which will feature retired US workers guessing what happened to their Social Security, Medicare and pensions.

A similar project is being undertaken in Afghanistan, sponsored by Bechtel: a recreation of Palestinian camps on the West Bank, complete with tanks, helicopter gunships and prisons. "After closing the schools in the US, we have lots of unemployable teenagers who are just dying for a job," said Joe Goofball of the American Enterprise Institute. "This will be bigger than Disneyland. There's nothing like the thrill of ramming a bulldozer through a Palestinian home, firing an automatic weapon into a crowd of protestors or throwing a hand grenade into a second grade classroom."

"I woke up this morning and saw the question of how long our troops would be in Iraq in a new prism," declared Rumsfeld. "I saw a new tower on the mall, taller than the Washington Monument, round, in a comforting shade of pink, with my name on it!"
The End

Don Monkerud is an Aptos, California-based columnist and author who follows politics.

Copyright Don Monkerud 2003