In his third major policy announcement in as many days, President Bush proposed devoting a large share of the federal budget to promote marriage for every man, woman and child over the age of 13 in America.

Government officials have been working with religious, business and conservative leaders who believe that Americans are less optimistic today because gays are getting married and they aren't-and they fear gays may know something they don't. This "Romance Gap" could have serious consequence on the economy, the outcome of the World Series and the price of Big Macs.

" People pay way too much attention to politics in this country," said Huffy Whiplash, a presidential advisor. "Every time Bush invades another country or favors one of his donors, everyone gets in a tizzy. If we can get everyone married, they can have real fights to take their minds off the president."

Like his other proposals, the president offered few details, leaving those to close advisors headed by Rev. Louie P. Shellgame, chairman of the Traditional Values Coalition. Shellgame also chairs Forward to the Past, a group devoted to changing the US Constitution to reflect the supremacy of the Baptist Church and third-class citizenship for gays, liberals, independent women and other "social undesirables."

" Spending government money to get people properly married is a good first step, but it doesn't go far enough," Shellgame said. "Government is creating huge deficits and now Americans must increase their credit card debts to bail out the banks and get the economy moving again. We want happy families spending money and voting for us."

White House officials said the president loves to go into the inner city and black churches to demand that poor people get married. He took his message to the tomb of Martin Luther King in February before rushing off to attend a $2.5 million fundraising dinner, which donors attended with their mistresses.

" Consistency is nothing to contradiction," Bush said when questioned about the apparent contradiction of only promoting marriage for poor people. "Wealthy people should be treated differently because they put food on the tables of maids, chauffeurs, and pool cleaners, and besides, wives should be at home watching TV."

Business think tanks such as the National Colonial and Slavery Society are beginning to support marriage-education programs. A growing body of evidence suggests that the economy improves when families buy washing machines, firearms, junk food, handcuffs and duct tape.

The marriage proposal may not be enough for traditional rightwing groups such as the National Rifle Association, Southern Baptist Convention and Focus on the Family. They feel let down by Karl Rove, who promised that he would ban divorce, homosexuality and cuss words on TV with a constitutional amendment.

" We will give them whatever they want as long as they vote Republican," President Bush said. "I will honor marriage between only a man and only a woman, no ducks or gophers or things like that, and this administration will cut taxes for rich married men, which is the American way of doing things-you are either with us or against us-and we will not back down one ayatollah from our compassionated conservatism."

Without waiting for Congress to act, the Bush Administration began quietly siphoning off money planned for Iraq to provide financial aid to evangelical religious groups, Halliburton, Bechtel, and wealthy donors to set up marriage-promotion programs in states that voted Republican in the 2000 election.

" Just because married couples fight all the time doesn't mean marriage doesn't work," said Wade N. Porn, assistant secretary of children and families. "On average, children raised by normal American families don't mind, steal money from their parents, refuse to do homework and take the family car without permission. If the government supports marriage, these things will change and children can lead normal lives, growing up to deliver pizzas and flip hamburgers."

Critics oppose the government's program to promote marriage because it intrudes on personal privacy and violates separation of church and state because many of the programs include religious training.

" As red-blooded American Christians, men have the right to dictate to their wives and kiddies," said Ronnie T. Hasbeen, a Republican advisor to Bush. "So what if the church reinforces our message? We are unlike gays where it's hard to tell who's the husband and who's the wife. Who gives orders in these perverted families? Americans need leadership."

Don Monkerud is an Aptos, California-based columnist and author who follows politics.

Copyright Don Monkerud 2004